homer_test.a

yes, you! baboon, baboon, baboon, baboon!
that was our wedding.
ah, dad, if just me, milhouse and lewis had voted...
homie, did you straighten everything out...?
homer! homer! put a record on!
uh, no, not really. someone seems to have slipped one of those novelty ice cubes with a fake fly in my drink.
oh, homer, you're the king!
come here!
i'm going to church alone today. you're going to stay here and explain to bart why you scarred him for life.
... or those just in need of a tune-up.
oh sure. last resort... old grampa, the feeb. the guy who can't be counted on for nothing, no how, dagnabit. everyone's agin me. i'll do it.
they do.
sometimes maude, god bless her, she underlines passages in my bible because she can't find hers.
he forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays -- both religious and secular -- he chews with his mouth open, he gambles, he hangs out at a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes...
we came to this retreat because i thought our marriage was in trouble, but i never for a minute thought it was in this much trouble. homer, how can you expect me to believe....
ohhh.
please dad.
please dad.
no.
no.
he didn't say it, and neither did i, but at that moment my dad and i were closer than we ever...
dad, i've done everything i could and i've only got thirty-five bucks. ugh.. i am through with working. working is for chumps.
it's like an ox, only it has a hump and a dewlap. hump and dew-lap. hump and dew-lap.
hey, wait a minute. i don't have to give blood. i have rights, you know.
oh, hey, there, mr... brown shoes! how about that local sports team? hm?
we got exactly what we wanted out of this: we gave an old man a second chance.
please, homie? for me?
the last place i saw it...
give it up, homer. it's locked up tight.
that's right.
hello, there's more. "in case you can't tell, i'm being sarcastic..." "...you stink, you are a senile, buck-toothed..." "...old mummy... with bony girl arms and you smell like an elephant's butt!"
no, maggie. not az-tec. ol-mec. ol-mec.
but it certainly was a memorable few days!
it has pink frosting!
meditations on turning eight, by lisa simpson. i had a cat named snowball -- she died, she died! mom said she was sleeping -- she lied, she lied! why oh why is my cat dead? couldn't that chrysler hit me, instead? i had a hamster named snuffy -- he died, --
hey, dad. "do you hear voices?"
hi. i'm michael jackson, from the jacksons.
well, how about this? billie jean is not my lover / she's just a girl who says that i am the one / but the kid is not my son. hee, hee, hee!
homer, this is floyd. he's an idiot savant. give him any two numbers and he can multiply them in his head, just like that.
hmmmm, lobotomy...
no, i just couldn't face what was out there.
i'm proud of you, homer.
huh?
well, at least we got a free sample of reading digest.
important.
where did you get the idea for this, mom?
are you a professional writer?
mommm!
"on this spot, richard nixon bowled back-to back-300 games."
extra! extra! feds nab rotten rep!
he's trying to be friendly. you know, if you gave ned flanders a chance --
friends, we love you all, but i also have a "sinister" motive for asking you all here -- "sinister" being latin for "left-handed." but enough joking.
you must have something you want to wish for, homer.
absotively posilutely.
uh, i learned the touch of death.
crummy right-handed corkscrews! what does he sell?
come on, homer. tell him about the store. i'm dyin' out here.
oh, homer, be reasonable.
homer, this is the flanders' entire living room set. how much did you pay for this?
homer! over here!
you know, ever since that barbecue, nothing's gone right. it's like there's been a-a curse on me.
hurry, neddie, hurry! oh golly, it's a miracle!
bart, your father and i don't want you doing that. homer, say something.
hey kid, you look good with that cigarette. kind of sophisticated.
mr. simpson, you've been the boy's father for ten years. do you really think he could be the leader of a murderous criminal syndicate?
well, a bit overly familiar, but i'll allow it. i took in a movie. an appalling little piece of filth. its leading lady was a blonde harlot who spent half the film strolling around naked as a jaybird. just give the great unwashed a pair of oversized breasts and a happy ending, and they'll 'oink' for more every time.
simpson?
is this really homer simpson?
how are you enjoying your ham, homie?
ah simpson! there's someone i want you to meet. aristotle amadopolis, owner of the shelbyville nuclear power facility.
just picture them in their underwear.
milhouse. you can come in and drop the charade. krusty, you don't have to be "on" tonight.
yes, it's just that saying the brucha brings back a lot of painful memories. the old days... my... my father...
and, to conclude this halloween newscast on a scary note, remember: the presidential primaries are only a few months away.
oh yeah, three bad nightmares.
you must pay a fine of two american dollars.
yaaayyy!!
hey, homer! this little thing-a-ma-jig really works great. now that i've saved the earth, maybe i oughtta spruce up the ol' homestead.
yayy!
i love you, dad.
for sleeping on the job.
did you have a nightmare, homie?
dad, i'm calling about the school talent show.
what's the matter, buddy?
clarinet?
i'm done.
homie, you've got to stop looking for the quick fix. if you keep spending time with lisa, she'll forgive you.
let's be realistic. a pony is very expensive and we have enough trouble paying bills as it is.
uh, sure pal, right here.
mr. simpson, this check is dated january 1, 2054.
isn't that cute? smithers, he's planning on joining the horsey set. that is it, isn't it? you're not planning to eat it?
i don't love you either. so give me a moped.
wait, dad, i've got something for you.
all right. you got us into this, you get us out.
yes. please, i must insist...
yes. we need someone for the demanding, yet high-profile midnight to eight a.m. shift.
oh my god, she killed him.
well, it's still fun to be up late. hey, homer, where ya goin'?
hmmm hmmm. there's a big dumb animal i love even more than that horse.
i'm offering three bottles -- enough to clean one thousand tombstones -- for only thirty-nine ninety-five.
homer, are you ordering junk off the tv again?
uh... take us to the video store.
question one: "name one of your child's friends..."
what are your son's hobbies?
building a soap box derby racer.
for starters, mr. simpson, won't you take this complimentary copy of "fatherhood" by bill cosby.
aw, that's the spirit, mr. simpson. now step one is to find an activity the two of you can share. does the boy have any interests?
ah come on dad, if you really want to help, you can clean these paint brushes.
well, i picked it up somewhere. and if i drive martin's car i can win. i'm sorry, but...
now, don't pout.
hey ho simpson.
tonight, we solute the silver anniversary of the great springfield tire yard fire. twenty-five years and stilll burning strong. ...we watch springfield's oldest man meet springfield's fattest man...
there he is! let's give him a make-over.
take it easy, homer. i learned how to make other drinks at bartender's school. gin and... tonic? do they mix?
uh, let me check the lost and found. what do we got here, bowie knife, troll doll, glass eye... oh. here we are. it's not without its charm.
homie, why don't you just go down to moe's and talk to him? i bet he'd be willing to share some of his success with you.
hit it!! well there's a back seat lover, that's always under cover, and i talk to my dad, he say/ he said, you ain't seen nothin' till you're down on a muffin and you're sure to be changin' your ways/ i met a cheerleader was a real young bleeder oh the times i could reminisce/ to the best things of lovin' with her sister and her cousin and they started with a little kiss/
a what? oh, i get it.
i lost myself to what?
i moe, i moe.
oh, hey, hey. maybe some things are too good to be kept a secret.
good, good. try to eat something.
ever go dancing?
well, let me put it this way. you'll get twenty-five dollars if you sell now.
oh, homer!
ich bin ein springfielder!
one of the economic powers of the world--
homer, could we have a word with you?
such as...
i want you to take baths, bart.
no, it doesn't.
well, i have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix i did with the other kids.
were you like this when mom was pregnant with me?
i think about you, too.
what if we get caught?
what card?
kool moe dee.
marcus?
homer, i'd be lying if i said that this is how i pictured my wedding day... but you are how i pictured my husband.
i don't know. i heard radiation can make you sterile.
... you, gentle sir, are fired!
shut up with that pen-scratching down there!
homer?
homer, do you know why i married you?
i'll drive you.
doesn't your job start tomorrow?
dad, this is a hundred and ten dollars.
ehhh...
we have captured your president. he was delicious.
so i'm afraid your son is trapped down the well.
mom, it's too big.
homer, all those fatty, deep-fried, heavily salted snacks can't be good for your heart.
look, dad. i made a modest studio apartment for my malibu stacey doll. this is the kitchen, this is where she prints her weekly feminist newsletter... daaaaad! you're not listening to me.
in the cincinnati - miami game, i declare cincinnati to be my "shoe-in of the week".
...versus cin-
...is blowing out of the west...
whoo-hoo!
so gambling makes a good thing even better.
goodnight, dad. i had a really nice time today.
i'd bet my entire college fund on it.
you know, dad, sunday is fast becoming my favorite day of the week.
the broken neck blues.
ooh, perfume. meryl streep's "versatility."
well, i just don't know.
well, i would like to see what all the fuss is about.
oh, this sucks. c'mon snipers. where are you?
okay, okay. they're both great teams.
isn't it though?
try to talk her out of there. but don't put your lips on it or anything.
homer
i swear.
whenever she needs it.
are you sure? i make 'em with two kinds of cheese.
uh-um.
not so fast! you're wanted on three counts of criminal neglect.
i'll bet we could buy a nice doghouse for fifty dollars.
he's not getting it from his brother, that's for darn sure.
what's wrong with my moustache?
no, you're not. when my father got out of the navy, he used to curse a blue streak. it almost cost him his job as a baby photographer. so, my mom put a swear jar in the kitchen. every time he said a bad word, he put in a quarter. what do you think?
hey homer, ya know, i owe you one, buddy. no sooner had i shaved off the old cookie duster, than a lady cast me in a commercial. ah, i tell ya the way these checks keep coming in, it's almost criminal.
mrs. krabappel.
"i must finish this letter quickly, for i have only four minutes to live."
hey, look at this. softball starts this week.
wow! how many home runs you gonna hit with that?
yes.
that's impossible no one can give more than one hundred percent. by definition that is the most any one can give.
oh, homie. you're good at lots of things.
all right, simpson, let's go over the signals. if i tug the bill of my cap like so...
wait till next year. if i'm still alive.
no no, sir, we're here to pick up your son. he's coming on a ride-along.
yes, yes, here's your lottery ticket. thank you for knocking over my inventory. please come again.
homer, the odds are three hundred and eighty million to one.
the first number is... seventeen. and the second number is... three.
i can't help but notice we're leaving the hospital. when's the dog going to get his operation?
please, do go on...
... will now be chub night.
c'mon boozehound! you want the twenty five cents, don't you? keep singin'!
it's all my fault. i called him a dumb dog.
you already petted him for ten minutes.
"honey, i hit a school bus"!
well of course he's a spy. you just saw him go through spy school!
thank you. tonight i'd like to try something a little different. it's a song i wrote while i was moppin' up your dried blood and teeth. you work all day for some old man/ sweat and break your back/
i'm listenin'.
you should have called. i was very worried.
well, i don't know.
oh homer, everybody's been callin'! mamma, daddy, the triplets, vonda mae, piney jo... and i owe it all to you.
nobody's perfect.
don't lie to me. are you having an affair with this woman?
your boyhood dream was to eat the world's biggest hoagie. and you did it at the county fair last year. remember?
lurleen, we're gonna have to cut you off. we're getting some kind of grinding noise on the track.
bunk with me tonight...
kids, will you come in here? you've got a wonderful family, homer. please don't forget it when you walk out that door tonight.
no!
these talking dinosaurs are more real than most real families on tv.
indeed, i did. and i'd like to thank you for catching me, bart. you seized the wheel of my slow boat to hell and pointed it straight towards the sunny shores of selma.
her only hope was a plucky young boy and his slow-witted father. dad, when aunt selma lights up her cigarette at the end of macgyver, she'll be blown to kingdom come!
thanks, dad. sure you're not gonna be bored?
homer!
please, dad. if you let otto stay, he'll help around the house, and chip in a few bucks whenever he can.
we start with pure milk chocolate...
hmmm... hostage negotiations.
no. it's two weeks since you got that subliminal weight loss tape. let's get you on the scale. you've gained thirteen pounds.
and now, the next event...in our living room olympics... the always controversial, couch vault. i do this for stain master carpets. proud sponsor of the living room olympics.
ah, simpson, you big virile son-of-a- gun. how would you like a check for two-thousand dollars?
the winner... homer simpson!
dad? dad?
can't complain.
how would you like to spend two thousand dollars to give a broken man a second chance?
dad, you know some shyster's gonna bilk you out of your money. it may as well be your brother.
i have soiled myself. how embarrassing.
gimme a hug, brother.
8...
you mean i can go?
good-bye my special little guy. lisa, watch out for poison ivy. remember, "leaves of 3, let it be.
oh... homer, it's getting late, we'll miss the fireworks.
miss delaware!
well... i thought i told you..
gutterball.
all i want is one embrace.
why? are you going?
hi kids! i'm flame retardant! if i break, buy a new one
blanche.
come on. we're going to be late.
uh... can we accept that?
mmm, hmm.
tell it, daddy!
hmm, you've got a point there. you know, sometimes even i'd rather be watching football. does st. louis still have a team?
why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy?
pretty slick.
kids, could you wait outside for us? homer, please. don't make me choose between my man and my god, because you just can't win.
please do not offer my god a peanut.
any valuables in the house?
now, would you give church another try?
i'd say... 53 years old and 420 pounds.
and the winner of the blimp ride is... homer simpson!
mmmm... no.
to shut myself off from the world and never be seen by human eyes again.
but that ride meant everything to him!
ooh, that just kept goin' huh? and now here's... ... lisa simpson!
possibly. but the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. and i do.
perhaps this will please the gentleman. take this object. but beware, it carries a terrible curse.
...and in environmental news, scientist have announced that springfield's air is now only dangerous to children and the elderly.
oh my god.
no.
yes.
ow... careful... not the face.
that's the way we do it every year.
mr. simpson... i just wanted to tell you that you've done a wonderful job with lisa. you must have read to her at a young age.
well, we try, but he has this way of making us think we've punished him when actually we've completely caved in.
there must be something to eat around here. gee, maybe they mean it this time. from now on i guess i'd better straighten up and fly...
jin-gle bells, jin-gle bells...
well punish him!
look, you have to help discipline your son.
that's one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind.
tv sucks.
well, i'll be. the itchy and scratchy movie. come on. what d'ya say?
homer, that's dish washing liquid!
hello, i'm troy mcclure. you might remember me from such instructional videos as "mothballing your battleship" and "dig your own grave - and save!" now over the next six hours i'll be taking you through the do's and do not do's of foundation repair. ready?
....you'll need some corrosion-resistant metal stucco lath.
we have to do something...
where does the bible say "racket?"....
but, where does it go?
oh really? i came to see you three times today. twice you were sleeping and once you were kicking that ball of electrical tape around.
huh, huh, but, i'm going to have to go with shasta 'cause she liked makin' bacon on the beach.
that medicine's not for you.
i'll send laura over to baby-sit as soon as she gets home.
excellent choice... and for the gentleman?
don quixote.
homer, i don't use the word "hero" very often. but you are the greatest hero in american history.
good luck in your trumped-up law suit, dad.
now, before i give you the check, one more question: uh, this place "moe's" you left just before the accident: this is a business of some kind?
your wife?
homer, this is really low.
mr. plow!
i wish i was a hero.
so you better make that call to the plow king. 
promise you'll never do that again.
oh yeah? which president's on it?
homer, you saved my life and i'm not gonna forget it. from now on, we'll be partners.
tell it, mom. tell, it mom.
da... da... da...
no.
once you get used to the smell of melted hog fat, you'll wonder how you ever did without it.
oh! well, all i own is this house, that i built with my own two hands.
my first word.
if you need anything, just give a whistle.
krusty funny.
we'll take good care of your boy, simpson. enjoy the miracle of creation.
davah hassahoff.
did too.
here you go.
but wait, perhaps i'm being too hasty. you are highly skilled... at goofing off! now don't worry, homer. you're the kind of guy i could really dig. a grave for. your indolence is inefficacious!
oh no, quite the opposite. it's made you weak as a kitten. look!
well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.
we're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
uh huh. and uh, do you drink?
we'd better get you to a hospital.
okay, friend. you tried the best, now try the rest. call 1-600-doctorb. the "b" is for bargain!
dad, are you trying to tell us you're getting a coronary-artery bypass graft?
i'm having a kidney and a lung removed.
well, if he's been good, he'll go to heaven. in heaven, you get to do whatever you like best, all the time.
when i first heard about the operation, i was against it. but then i thought, if homer wants to be a woman, so be it.
well, i think we should spend the money on something the whole town can be proud of.
monorail / monorail / monorail!
actual institute may not match photo.
you know, i used to think you were stuck in an emasculating, go-nowhere job.
goodnight, homer.
is there a chance the track could bend.
no, he's a scientist.
we're under six!
hey homer, this luggage is crushing me.
homer!
geez, we hardly made a dent in that ten-foot hoagie.
your lips are turning blue. i think you'd better stay home.
it deals with a bookish young woman's efforts to enter rabbinical school.
i can't. the beans'll burn.
he called you a bad father.
twenty.
dad, it just kinda happened. you're taking this too hard.
poppa homer!
oh, poppa homer, you are so learned.
who needs you? tom's a better father than you ever were.
his father? the drunk and gambler?
will you teach me how to do that?
i'll bet you have a lot of things planned, eh dad?
nickel off on expired baby food.
i get the idea.
mr. simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy.
right there.
bart, don't give the dog cigarettes!
hey, thanks a lot. that makes it all worthwhile.
your license is hereby revoked and you are to attend traffic school and two months of alch-anon meetings.
no.
did you say beer or deer?
you thinking what i'm thinking?
i'm proud of you, homie.
now stay tuned for professional wrestling, live from the springfield grapplarium! tonight, a texas death match... dr. hillbilly vs. the iron yuppie. one man will actually be unmasked and killed in the ring!
hey!
don homer, i have baked a special donut just for you.
we don't have to be adversaries, homer. we both want a fair union contract. and, if you scratch my back, i'll scratch yours. i mean, if i should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm? after all, negotiations make strange bedfellows.
oh yes, but the telephone is so impersonal. i prefer the hands-on touch you only get with hired goons.
well, you've won this round simpson, but i'll grind you into the earth like a bug! simpson, be a dear and rub my legs till the feeling comes back. a bug, i tell you! a bug!
so we'll march day and night /
i'll fool you up real nice!
i've got to fool him before the day is out -- but how? he must have a weakness.
...you are wired in to the rest of your family. you have the ability to shock them, and they have the ability to shock--
it was an amusing episode... of our lives.
hi, dr. nick!
homer, it's really coming down. could you check on the boys?
oh my god.
that was "happy days."
homer? homer?
and the person who traveled the least distance to be here... well, kiss my grits... homer simpson!
dad, can we talk to grampa alone for a minute?
homer, i was just describing the test.
i got expelled.
excuse me.
slow... then fast.
there is no such thing.
no offense, but we're putting that bitch on ice.
it seems like i've been wearing the same red dress forever.
i don't think they're giving you enough information, dad.
uh-oh.
hello...
yeah! you've got... it! all except that police officer. too village people. you'll have to replace him.
i bought this cool pencil holder.
homer, you're going to be famous!
over there. there's a big pile of 'em.
what'd you do... screw up like the beatles and say you were bigger than jesus?
gentlemen, us magazine just came out with its "what's hot and what's not issue."
bart, what's wrong with you?
now sideshow bob can't get in without me knowing. and once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and legal.
i don't think this is such a good idea.
hello, mr. thompson. now when i say, "hello, mr. thompson" and press down on your foot... you smile and nod.
mom! dad! i saw sideshow bob and he threatened to kill me!
but why?
yes. he would.
no.
ah... steakey.
hey!
now, if anyone would like to stay, i'm going to hold a comprehensive review session after every class.
homer, no one blames you for the accident. we simply feel you might benefit with a little outside tutoring. i researched these names myself...
homer, please. these boys sound very nice, but they're clearly nerds.
so it's a prank you're lookin' for, is it? i'll give you your prank... the only other college in fifty miles is springfield a&m, so they're our best target.
you really think you can get us back into college?
so, in conclusion, good luck on tomorrow's big final exam.
oh yes. the only problem is the moral dilemma it raises... which requires...
and i learned that in order for you to set a good example for your son, you're gonna take that course over again without cheating.
what are you doin'?
i have some sad news to report. a small puppy, not unlike lassie was just run over in the parking lot. and now it's time for the comedy stylings of homer simpson!
destroy him.
bobo! my beautiful bobo! i promise i'll never leave you behind again. ah, yes. naturally i can't pay you much of a reward because... i'm strapped for cash. as you can see, this old place is falling apart. but i'm sure we can come to an understanding.
yes.
i think we need a new hairdryer.
is it my imagination or is tv getting worse?
it's always the one you least suspect! now many people offer to sell their souls without reflecting upon the grave ramifica...
so, you like donuts, eh?
lisa, your brother's obviously had a nightmare. don't worry, honey, the scary part's over.
dad, do you notice anything strange?
the only way to get bart back is to kill the head vampire, mr. burns.
but, no, we killed mr. burns.
you like ballet?
hey careful there, homer. i heard somebody lost an arm in there once.
i'm disappointed in you, but it turns out i had a wonderful time with ruth powers. in fact, we're going out again tomorrow night.
you already asked me that.
you're absolutely right, homer. we don't need a baby-sitter.
beautiful, huh? homer and i used to come up here on dates. homer, stop that! it's just a weather station.
oh no, they're headed right for the grand chasm.
stop that, bart. homer, speak to him.
well, i used to do a lot of tumbling in my act, but i'm phasing it out for more dirty limericks. there once was a man named enos --
stop jumping on me! i'm hurt!
that's not true.
uh-oh. you're in for it now, dad.
we know, dad.
eep.
dad, sit down.
i know you think the junior campers are square and... "uncool," but they also do a lot of neat things, like sing-a-longs and flag ceremonies.
actually, we were just planing the father-son river rafting trip.
whoa, nelly! oh, quick, homer! which way do we turn--?
wrong, we're saved! sea gulls always stay near land. they only go out to sea to die.
dad, i think he's oka--
dad, don't take this wrong, but your expression doesn't fill me with confidence.
and we can't take off our pants when it gets real hot.
yeah, usually you just take the box of donuts into the bathroom.
double glaze.
hi, hober. dote kiss be, i'b all stuffed up.
homer simpson! that's a dilly of a pickle. hey, let's conference you with marge, huh?
yes, sir. quite.
dad, i'm not gonna fall for that.
tv's there; bathroom's there; and there's your king sized bed for...
i can't believe we ordered so much.
okay.
homer, you don't have to do anything you don't want to.
why?
for you. it's the president.
i'll walk.
i won sixty dollars last night.
thanks, mom.
think before you say each word.
homer, when you forgive someone, you can't throw it back at them like that.
bart's pain is funny, but mine isn't. that saxophone was my one creative outlet. it was the only way i could truly express myself.
what, this jug?
i'll join! i'm filled with piss and vinegar. at first i was just filled with vinegar...
radiant cool crazy nightmare. zen new jersey nowhere.
it's hammer!
and i still don't have my saxophone.
uh, you do realize who this is...
any sign of the burglar yet?
dad, maybe this will cheer you up.
it's buried right here in springfield, under a big t.
hi, homer.
that's for taking credit for other people's work.
i'm doing the conan o'brien show and i wanna have some intelligent stuff to talk about.
i'm so sorry. please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp.
all right, are you willing to go undercover to nail this creep?
mr. simpson, you misunderstand me. in my village this is the traditional pose of apology.
i can see through time.
when i first arrived you were all such jerks / but now i've come to looove your quirks/ maggie with her eyes so bright / marge with hair by frank lloyd wright / lisa can philosophize / bart's adept at spinning lies / homer's a delightful fella / sorry 'bout the salmonella.
i must go to the head office and appeal my case.
no.
thank you, come again.
and to my son, homer...
hm. i don't know if it's a good idea to do that while you're driving.
oh, nothing. kudos to you, lisa! kudos!
well, we respect you. bart, i told you, don't draw on your father's skull.
yes.
careful, they're ruffled!
there's no swimsuit competition, homer.
some good news, gentlemen, we have quite a treat for ya. we've been able to coax superstar james taylor in here at mission control to wish you well and play a little of his own brand of laid back adult contemporary music.
yeah, dad. how many people have seen the ice caps and the deserts all at once, or the majesty of the northern lights from one hundred miles above?
ned flanders...
homer!
i'll take two dogs, two sodas and uh two ice cream bars. what the hell happened to my dogs? i want answers.
know me? ned flanders saved me. i used to party all night and sleep with lingerie models, until ned and his bible group showed me that i could have more.
uh, be careful there, homer. that is sort of a new table.
...bless the grocer for this wonderful meat, the middlemen who jacked up the price, and let's not forget the humane but determined boys over at the slaughter house.
homey, i'm very proud of you, but don't you think you're spending too much time with ned? your family needs you too.
eh, well sir. my entire family is very touched and--
ah, uh, homer, we're gonna visit the boys' grandmother. family only. you know?
thank you. thank you so much, homer. you really are a you're a true friend.
uh, it's hard for us to leave when you're standing there, mom.
stop remembering tv and get back to work.
well, all that money sounds mighty tempting, marty. but i think i'm gonna have to go with the elephant.
i really think this is a bad idea.
he can't just eat peanuts, dad. he needs plants to live.
nah. he doesn't want to learn and i don't want to teach him. we get along fine.
uh, here's a better sign, dad.
well it is and it isn't, if you understand what i mean.
dad, i think he's an ivory dealer. his boots are ivory, his hat is ivory, and i'm pretty sure that check is ivory.
i'll bet it's because of that horrible ivory dealer, dad.
dad! you're sinking!
ow! my hair!
hello, mr... kurns? i bad want... money now. me sick.
just sign here and your son will stand to inherit my entire estate.
homer, say something.
i suggest you leave immediately.
how do you know?
the dog has had enough excitement.
i know you can read my thoughts, bart. just a little reminder: if i find out you cut class, your ass is mine. yes, you heard me. i think words i would never say.
a conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition that."
you're stealing a table?
it's been great spending time with my family again. i guess the next time i see you won't be until thanksgiving.
well, i think it's wonderful that your father has fallen in love with my mother.
mom's almost ready for her date. she sure seems taken by this new beau. i feel so bad for grampa.
but dad...
hey, don't yell at homer. just because he's a little slow...
gettin' better!
homer, that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed blazer, not the other way around. you've ruined a perfectly good jacket.
thank you.
so something wasn't working in bed, huh?
mm-hmm. i'm happy about that. but, i think you can be a good teacher and still respect our privacy.
we need names!
well, me and milhouse took some mail from a mail truck and threw it down the sewer.
get out!
funny... the way everything reminds me of homer.
no.
oh, here, let me help you.
so marge, are you really happy, really?
dad, as you know, we've been swimming. and we've developed a taste for it. we both agree that getting our own pool is the only way to go. now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of... canwehaveapooldad? canwehaveapooldad? canwehaveapooldad? canwehaveapooldad? canwehaveapooldad? canwe... etc.
dad... you have to put chlorine in the water every day, to keep it clean.
hurry up and finish eating!
it hurts my teeth.
i want you to forget about guarding this stupid sugar. you're being completely paranoid.
simpson, you diobolical... we're willing to pay you two thousand dollars for the swarm.
it's nine thirty p.m. and you spent your whole saturday drinking beer in maggie's kiddy pool.
yeah, ditto.
no, homer. let's do it. let's call room service!
well, desserts aren't always right.
yeah, you want a ride?
dad! remember how you said that going to itchy and scratchy land would be too damned expensive?
agreed.
homer, no. you're going to get lost.
see all that stuff in there, homer? that's why your robot never worked. this is just what i was hoping for. spending the day together as a family. ah, you know, part of spending time together as a family is spending time apart as individuals.
dad, i think you're wrong about that robot trying to be your friend.
here are two free passes.
sideshow bob used to be krusty the clown's sidekick. but in 1990, he framed krusty for armed robbery and bart got him put in jail.
this house has quite a long and colorful history. it was built on an ancient indian burial ground, and was the setting of satanic rituals, witch burnings, and five john denver christmas specials.
uh, they'd be much happier as ghosts.
oh my, i hope that rug was scotchguarded.
okilly dokilly.
homer! the sky is blue. donuts are plentiful. friday is tgif night on abc. what's gotten into you?
i guess we could get more involved in bart's activities. but then i'd be afraid of smothering him.
i didn't take it.
kent, i'd like to remind everybody to come down and watch me at the springfield laugh 'n brew 'n burgers 'n fries this saturday. the forecast calls for a seventy-five percent chance of hilarity.
i think lisa needs to feel a little special tonight. how about letting her ride up front, too?
that's very nice, dad, but it's wrong for you to reward violent, competitive behavior. however, i will sit up front with you if it's a fatherly gesture of love.
i don't care who started it. i don't ever want to see you two fighting like that ever again. we love you both. you're not in competition with each other. repeat. you are not in competition with each other.
no.
oh, well thank you homer. but take one of the kids.
hey sir, try our wax lips. it's the candy of a thousand uses. one, a humorous substitute for your own lips.
wheee!
two four six eight / homer's crime was very great! "great" meaning "large or immense" / we used it in the pejorative sense!
and the dog in the coppertone ad? same deal, dad?
hello, homer. this is god...frey jones from the tv magazine show, rock bottom. we're aware of your problems and mr. simpson, we want to help.
and now, we return to fox night at the movies. "homer s.: portrait of an ass grabber," starring dennis franz.
see i think about weird stuff. like what would happen if e.t. and mr. t. had a baby? well, you'd get mr. e.t. wouldn't ya? and you know i think he'd sound a little something like this: i pity the fool who doesn't phone home.
wow. v8 juice isn't one-eighth gasoline.
we need to talk about the... marital difficulties we've been having lately.
homeie, i can't quite...
flu?
you could make a lot of money.
you, president? this is the greatest country in the world. we got a whole system set up to keep people like you from ever becomin' president. quitcher daydreamin', melonhead. quitcher daydreamin', melonhead.
you didn't want to have bart.
no, dad. i want to get down. this tire is filthy, and the steel belts are poking me.
it doesn't matter. what matters is you were right when you told me i never said anything nice about you.
sorry, homer. you should have thought of that before you gave me the old sugar-me-do. i'm taking your caricature down from mt. lushmore. and i'm pulling your favorite song out of the juke box.
right here, dad.
we need a pilot. pronto. who wants to fly to the "windy city?" conditions are windy. you.
i don't want to be a wet blanket, but getting on a plane like that seems like a hassle coupled with a burden.
sure as sugar.
dad, i like picking beans with grandma.
thirty dollars will be fine.
you know, marge. we've really just begun to scratch the surface. there's still the far more serious problem of your husband.
a conspiracy, eh? you think they might be involved in the kennedy assassination in some way?
or save the life of a stonecutter. forget it, homer. while it has been established that eggs contain cholesterol, it has not yet been proven conclusively that they actually raise the level of serum cholesterol in the human bloodstream.
you don't know what they do there, do you?
okay, okay, homer. you're in. just don't point that thing at me!
happy landings.
yes, yes.
we just created the greatest democracy on earth, you low-life commoner.
/ this is just appalling and outrageous.
beware the ides of march.
"good one, chosen one." etc.
dad, that doesn't help people.
or a fjord.
why aren't there any pictures of maggie?
but homer, how're you gonna make a living?
show up tomorrow. bring three rags. oh, and a change of pants.
i love you too, homie.
okay then.
hey homer, way to get marge pregnant. heh, heh, heh.
and then when i told him about lisa...
you've worked hard at the bowling alley. why don't you ask for a raise?
so, come crawling back, eh?
congratulations, mr. simpson. you have a beautiful, healthy baby.
sounds like you had a good day today, dad.
daaad, they're firing the rocket!
hi-de-ho-e-roonie, neighbor. what can i do you for?
okay, let's start again. we'll need laughter, religious enlightenment, gossip -- that's mrs. lovejoy...
i think i'll have some wine.
okay, we'll start off with the baggy p...wha? those are supposed to be baggy pants. baggy!
it's the krusty burglar!
let's walk and talk. i ah, i have some wonderful stories about other famous people that include me in some way.
hey krusty, krusty, remember the time we got loaded and set those beavers loose in that pine furniture store? memories. all right, you take it easy, krusty.
whatcha diddily doin', neighbor?
sorry, i have to do this, krusty. i cannot do it. to murder a funnyman of such genius would be a crime. tell you what, krusty. do for me my favorite trick where you ride the little bike through the loop, and i will let you live.
are we in any dange--
you're sure now, the prison train is sailing... okay, i'm not hearing a lot of support for prison. there is one other option. they'll drop the charges if... bart makes a public apology in australia.
something wrong, yank?
hey! we can get away in their pouches! ewww. it's not like in cartoons.
homer, you knucklebeak, i told you a hundred times, you gotta sell your pumpkin futures before halloween. before!
congratulations, mr. simpson. this invention of yours has made us all rich. especially you. it's simple, yet ingenious and it fits right in the palm of your hand! every person in america now owns one of these, and in many cases three or four.
sure, homer, i can loan you all the money you need. however since you have no collateral, i'm gonna have to break your legs in advance.
you're certainly in a good mood tonight, dad.
you are?
well, marge was always a good speller. let's ask her.
he blew all your savings on jack-o-lanterns.
need money fast? got no experience? step up to elegance. become a limo driver at classy joe's.
"tested," homer, god tested moses. and try to be nice to my sisters. it's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.
so homer, how'd you do?
that's a wonderful thing you did for my sisters.
this is horrible. people will start to avoid springfield.
it's supposed to say jay's name, not yours.
how droll.
yes.
this isn't "america's funniest home videos."
well, homer.
mine ears are open only to the pleas of those who speak ye old english.
oh lisa!
yes, we have that one in england too, mr. simpson.
well, here goes nothing. mom, dad, meet homer simpson.
well?
well, i'm sure these things didn't destroy themselves, now did they?
look, he's heading back to the greyhound racing track where we found him!
look, it's twins!
well, i have to coordinate, don't i?
my, he certainly took that well.
exhausting. it took the children forty minutes to locate canada on the map.
don't worry, son, you'll be fine. this boy's appendix is inflamed and about to burst, which will make it easier to find once i get in there .
uh huh.
hm, maybe you can get the local jazz station to do a tribute to him.
three card monte.
oh for crying out loud...
homer, give me my pepper spray.
hey, great news, guys. i picked up a nudie deck for our game.
i didn't mean to.
i'm gonna pretend i didn't hear that, but you have to move your car now.
all right, simpson, you're free to go.
and what better place to make the buy than in a cop's garage where no one would suspect a thing.
freeze! freeze! every mother knows the secret entrance to her son's tree house.
oh, homer, would you please help me make a big deal of this?
but they stole our lemon tree!
we made it!
when my father was first trying to catch my mother's eye, he sent her a box of candy with his photo in it. after that, she never forgot him.
who the devil are you?!
we don't have an outhouse.
hey-ho. look what i found under mr. simpson's car seat.
mersimp... son... what is the... mer... meaning of this? smithers, who is this beast that's shaking me?
heh, yes i did.
"good for a three hour getaway at the mingled waters health spa." mineral bath, facial, massage... how did you afford these?
this is so relaxing. homie, this was a wonderful idea.
can you see them?
but it's important to...
i miss the way bart would say something and then say "dude."
we missed you so much! he's going to baptize our children?
oh, fair enough.
nah. i want something that says people can have a nice, relaxing time.
right this way, homer.
are we there yet?
awwww. awwww. awwww.
no, i can't! i can't eat any of them!
what's that extra b for?
can i have a burger, dad?
you dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, homeboy?
that's it. i can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore. i am out of here.
astronomers from tacoma to vladivostok have just reported an ionic disturbance in the vicinity of the van allen belt. scientists are recommending that all necessary precautions be taken.
well, except for chubsy-ubsy over there.
homer? get ready. patty and selma will be here any minute.
do you see a light, homer?
ah, the shower!
but suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe, along the hypothetical z axis there. this forms a three-dimensional object known as a "cube" or a "frinkahedron", in honor of its discoverer .
well, we hit a little snag when the universe sorta collapsed on itself... but dad seemed cautiously optimistic.
yeah, he got injured on the job and they sent him home with pay. pfft. it's like a lottery that rewards stupidity.
if you gain 61 pounds, they'll let you work at home?
my god, that's monstrous... i've never heard of anything so neglige-- i'll have no part of it.
here's your lemonade and here's your beer. oh, you're such a vigorous young go-getter. when's your next coffee break?
dad? it says "non-toxic."
arnie pie in the sky with the morning commute! traffic this morning is as bad as it gets! due to a fire at the army testing lab, a bunch of escaped infected monkeys are roaming the expressway! despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your windows, 'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable!
con: you're endangering your health.
i'm going out. i run errands during the day.
shouldn't you be working?
who cares? it's homer's problem.
now homer, if there's anything else i can do for you, please don't hesitate to ask.
homer?
oh, homer, you grew up so handsome.
me, too!
which was?
how many roads must a man walk down / before you can call him a man?
we made it, homer!
oh, just think, lis, that's our pickle brine burning sideshow mel.
mom! i found sideshow bob's hide-out and i got a secret message to the police and i had a blimp fall on me and i was in an atomic blast but i'm okay now!
what is the mind? is it just a system of impulses, or is it something tangible?
aha! no one's around. the perfect crime. yeow!
gotta hide.
well, duh.
oh, homer.
those are all good points, but the problem is they don't result in me getting the game.
please, bart, no more pranks. it would mean so much to me if we could have just one nice family photo.
goodnight.
homie, you want pork chops?
you're short one person.
leave the rag.
all right.
i can't believe otto picked up a 7-10 split. he's phenomenal!
we are not wieners!
well, we certainly got walloped tonight, eh fellas?
next time, a few steps more toward center, don't you think?
well, you could hand out these flyers for the neighborhood rummage sale. you'd get some fresh air and exercise.
can we get rid of this "ayatollah" t-shirt? khomeini died years ago.
right here!
you didn't vote for anybody.
excuse me, sir, where are you going?
well, that's good, that's good, 'cause i want trouble.
president bush is driving on our lawn! he must be lost.
never! you make him apologize for destroying my memoirs!
do you like nachos?
really? you like it? oh, i'd love to wear this someplace special.
that place is weird. a man in the bathroom kept handing me towels, 'til i paid him to stop.
pretend there's no one else here...and just go at your own pace. wow! very impressive! you're a natural, mr. simpson.
oh, a cunning stratagem, sir. it's curving right toward the green... and... it's... there.
homer, what are you doing?
may i offer my condolences on the untimely passing of your great aunt hortense. as her only living heirs, you stand to inherit her entire estate.
what kind of apprentice?
you're to restrict your cryering to the parade, and selected pre-approved publicity events.
lisa, honey, when my family first came to this state, they had a choice of living in springfield or stenchburg. you know why they chose springfield? because everyone knows jebediah springfield was a true american hero. end of story.
hey, stop! i've got nothing but respect for the office of town crier, but this is well outside your jurisdiction.
yes.
well, hey, it's homer! good to see ya, neighb--
simpson, eh?
get going! and answer those phones, install a computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.
look alive, simpson! i'm not paying you to goldbrick!
except...
already taken care of. cappuccino, simpson? ahoy-hoy? no, you have the wrong number. this is 5-2-4-6. i suspect you need more practice working your telephone machine. not at all. ahoy.
perfect. when i give the signal, you transfer the call to mr. burns. after she tears into him, i'll rush in and save the day.
i'll teach you how to use a phone, you boob! it's for you.
save our seats!
that does it. one of them has to go.
dad, what's a "muppet?"
oh... well... thank you...
maybe we can make your job more fun... what are those?
sure!
who do you love most: me, bart, or maggie?
okay. i like... langdon alger.
bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove milhouse, nelson, and martin to a wig outlet in knoxville and the car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and bart's working as a courier and just came back from hong kong.
no! don't use your real name, or bart will know!
uh, yes. but we gotta act fast!
hey, homer, that's a pretty catchy chant. where'd you learn it?
it's just a stupid rock.
ah... mr. simpson? it may astonish you to learn that i am an immigrant.
oh, forgive me, mother, father, i failed you! who am i kidding. i am no citizen. this passport is a cheap forgery. a cheap two thousand dollar forgery. i have brought shame to my parents, to my homeland, and to myself.
it appears to be the flag which disappeared from the public library last year.
you know, apu, in a way, all americans are immigrants -- except native americans.
dad?
the what festival?
what's wrong, homie?
generation x may be shallow, but at least they have tolerance and respect for all people.
where's the narc! / who? / that fat jamaican guy.
you don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along.
is it true that we have to bring our own water?
mr. simpson, this is serious. if you take one more cannonball to the gut... you will die!
i used to carpool with that guy.
that song is so lame.
wave bye-bye to our house, maggie. bye-bye, tree.
okay, bart, your turn, your turn. you got "the dud!"
uh huh.
you went into the attic? i'm very disappointed and terrified.
hugo, stop! there, there, hugo. i understand. all those years caged up in here... why, you've probably never even seen your own face in the mirror, have you? here...
what? are you still here? i'm afraid we'll have to dispose of you.
i am so mad at the secret service right now. hey, who the hell are you?
what lifelong dream?
hello. i am not interested in buying the house, but i would like to use your restroom, flip through your magazines, re-arrange your carefully shelved items, and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. ha! now you know how it feels.
oooh!
you will notice, my new best friend, that we are pretty casual around here.
homer, don't give up. they laughed at me the first time i wore jeans with a sport coat. i was the first wealthy man in america to ever do that. now they all do it!... didja ever hear of mike milken?
yes sir, mr. simpson.
oh, hi, homer! what can i do for you?
"swing low, sweet chariot"...
you know who invented the hammock, homer?
why should you? -- it's mine.
i can't get in trouble at school. they put me in the remedial class! i'm surrounded by arsonists and kids with mittens pinned to their jackets all year round! hey dad... we want to go back to springfield.
let 'em go. you'll stay here with me, we'll go bowling. what's bothering them?
weren't there three indians last year?
but then they'll just beat me up even worse.
their choice.
now, homer, if i'm gonna manage your boxing career, i wantcha to have complete faith in me. c'mere, lemme show ya somethin'...
'cause i got knocked out forty times in a row. that, plus politics. you know, it's all politics...
okay, punching isn't your thing. but that's okay... you're not that kind of fighter. what you're gonna do is stand there while your opponent gets exhausted from overpunching.
uh, no. not yet. he still lives at the train yard. but he's a hungry young fighter. in fact, he's actually fighting for a sandwich. homer, i want you to have my lucky mitts. i hope you do better with 'em than i did.
homer, why are they saying you're going to fight drederick tatum?
all right, homer, i'm not going to lie to you: there's a good chance you can beat tatum. but you gotta visualize how you're going to win, okay?
i got your tooth, dad!
that's a hitchhiker, homer.
he stole my fiancée.
and is he a constant disappointment? does he bring home nitwits and make you talk to them?
what are you doing in the basement? it's like you're hiding out down here.
more important than money? who is this?
we gotta find someplace to hide!
da-ad! v-chip, v-chip!
what time?
your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle, and... are you wearing a grocery bag?
i'm sorry. this is all my fault. bart was filling in for --
"maison derriere"?! i can't believe there's a place like that in our wholesome little town. homer, did you know it was a burlesque house when you sent bart to work there?
chip!
homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
are you ready?
a divorce?! sure, divorce. hey, you got it, toots. and here's a picture even you can figure out. it's a door. use it!
yeah. and another great thing: you get your own bed. i sleep in a racing car. do you?
fine. i'll go without you.
i could've taken just a little time to... to make her feel special.
you've done a lot of crazy stuff over the years and she's stood by you. why would she leave you now?
edmondo, don't you think you're taking a lot off -- ah!... homer! what are you doing?!
what?
ah, looks like we put the kibosh on another two-bit telephone swindle, boys. frankly, i would've expected better from jimmy the scumbag.
but you're going to annoy thousands of people just to make a few measly dollars. it's nothing but panhandling!
well, that thing's been drivin' the whole town nuts! got me out of the bath seven times. seven!
okilly-dokilly. oo, i better go take down the manger scene. if baby jesus got loose, he could really do some damage.
well, sir, everyone's alive. guess that's something to be thankful for.
homer, you are the worst human being i have ever met.
ho ho ho. very funny, wise guy.
well, don't look at me... just because i'm holding a pair of scissors. scissors which i need... to uh... to gussy-up these curtains.
remember your promise: no drinking.
afternoon, homer. care for some chili? i've added an extra ingredient just for you. the merciless peppers of quetzlzacatenango! grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a guatemalan insane asylum.
you are on a quest for knowledge.
are you kidding? if anything, you should get more possessions. you don't even have a computer!
hey, get off the course, you bum! security!
i'm "cranky" because my husband got drunk and humiliated me in front of the entire town. you broke your promise, homer.
aye... the hotpants.
...we had a fight?
we'll all be killed!
ah, ha ha, you got me, didn't ya? all right, here you go -- "red tick beer."
homer, it's two a.m.! what happened?
it's your birthday?
all right, homer. we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw this alien.
please, let's just go to sleep.
hell, yes.
you know, dad, it doesn't matter that we didn't see the alien. i've really had a great time out here.
uh, were you on my roof last night, stealing my weathervane?
well, maybe it's all for the best...
thank you.
aw, homer. you know your money's no good here. hey, wait a minute -- this is real money!
oh, homer, i know you were trying to shield me from failure, but this is my business, and the mafia's not getting one cent of my money!
damnation! what kind of slowcoaches do i have working for me? ah, here comes one of our fellows now.
all right. let me start off by telling you this will not be a walk in the park. this will be the most arduous and backbreaking weekend of your life. i cannot overemphasize the dangers which... did you bring your family, simpson?
tell me, simpson, if an opportunity arose for taking a small shortcut, you wouldn't be averse to taking it would you?
we have several hours before the others arrive. what say we get comfy? now we have electricity. this propane tank will supply us with heat, and this doorknob, properly turned, will allow us access to the cabin.
why, you'd have to get up.
what happened?
no, i have a better idea! we could build real men. out of snow.
homer!
it's my hair. excuse me.
and i'll take up smoking and give that up.
i'm here about the nanny job. i'll keep a watchful eye on your kids, and if they get out of line-pow!
no, i'm practically perfect in every way.
that shary bobbins is a miracle worker. the kids love her, the house is spotless -- and my hair's grown back. it's so full and thick it can support a beach umbrella!
we'll miss you, shary bobbins.
so you like it this way?
haven't you ever listened to yourself on a tape recorder?
that's it! you've got the job!
you folks ready to begin?
yes we can!
i guess...
oh, but this is the rex mars atomic discombobulator! don't you just love the graphics on this box?
ding dong! classic! i mean -- that says it all, doesn't it? oh, man, you weren't kiddin' about this place! well, i just love it!
homer, didn't john seem a little... festive to you?
what on earth are you talking about?
i'unno. came outta the closet.
well, now you don't get any candy. no, that's cruel. take a teensy piece.
what am i supposed to do here?
hel-lo!!
what? you never went hunting before, and you're perfectly straight!
nope. something about a bunch of guys alone together in the woods... seems kinda gay.
what? i'm not gonna shoot a reindeer in a pen.
ho. ho. ho. ho. ho. ho.
oh, you have nothing to worry about, honey.
you can't ask god to kill someone!
homer, i've got a fozzie of a bear of a problem. y'know, maude and her mother were visiting tyre and sidon, the twin cities of the holy land. they must've kneeled in the wrong place and prayed to the wrong god, because, well, they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort.
and dad, you look totally classy. you could be abe lincoln's father's boss!
oooh, malaria zone! that's where all the explorers shop.
no! no more drinking! i'm tired of looking like the world's worst mother.
sounds like you have a plan.
that's funny... i used to be able to go down there.
well, it is. i've known your father since high school and this is the cleverest thing he's ever done. besides, he's only breaking a silly, two-hundred-year-old law...
all the beer from the landfill is gone, beer baron. we're out of business.
tubby? oh, yes, tubby!
yeah, never mind how i look. you gonna give me the money or not?
..then, the liquor-filled bowling balls travelled through a network of underground pipes, finally emerging at a nearby speakeasy.
and so, one town's brief flirtation with prohibition ended in a joyous remarriage to lady liquor! congratulations, springfield! we wish you the very best!
oh, foreign language institute. oh, my german verb wheel! ich esse; er isst; wir essen.
uh, to the best of my recollection, yes.
where's santa's little helper?
oh, maggie, you got oatmeal all over. homer, would you clean her off?
i'm going to get the dog back.
homer, you didn't tell me mr. burns went broke and lost the nuclear power plant.
sir, we've never met before, but my name is mr. burns and i want your daughter to help make me rich again.
yeah, he's broke! 
homer, the lord only asks for an hour a week.
it looks japanese.
okay. here you go. the phone book for hokkaido, japan.
look, we got a package from the mr. sparkle company in japan!
he... mista sparkaru! mista sparkaru!
hey, homer, ya busy?
uh, i don't think we're being paid to sleep.
simpson! you've got a 513! no! a 513! in your procedures manual! a 513?! look at your control panel!
i'm not your buddy, simpson. i don't like you. in fact, i hate you. stay the hell away from me! because from now on... we're enemies!
i only have five lobsters. are you sure he's not bringing anyone with him?
how do you do. look, homer, i'm i'm late for my night job at the foundry, so if you don't mind telling m... good heavens! th-this is a palace. how can... how in the world can you afford to live in a house like this, simpson?
everything! -- a dream house, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes, and lobsters for dinner. and do you deserve any of it? no!
just a little more... then he won't have any reason to resent you.
i'm better than okay. i'm homer simpson.
darn tootin', ya lousy fink! you buried me naked and sold my suit to buy a ping-pong table! what kind of a son--
in a minute, homie. i have to get the door.
he's just kidding. we'd like to thank fox, and the good people at budget lodge.
look at how disciplined they are. they're just like the terra cotta warriors of xian.
the wars of the future will not be fought on a battlefield or at sea. they will be fought in space, or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. in either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. and as you go forth today, remember always, your duty is clear: to build and maintain those robots. thank you.
no, the playboy mansion! playboy mansion!
"...if you do not remedy this malparkage within 72 hours, your car will be thrown into the east river at your expense."
i just think we should have paid the extra dollar-fifty and gotten a bus with restrooms.
no pizza. only khlav kalash.
what?!
let's bake him a cake.
we're gonna talk armin tamzarian into coming back.
now hold on. armin tamzarian is an unsavory character who played us all for chumps.
those were the days. and you knew where you were then...
hey!
hi honey! how was your first day of school? honey?
let's never drink again.
i'll play catch with you, son.
lisa simpson has won the nobel prize for kickboxing.
sorry.
i guess it doesn't matter. all these things cost money and we just don't have it. unless...
please, just promise you won't buy an air conditioner till we've figured out a way to help lisa.
would you like an inscription, sir?
you're a good father.
that's not gonna protect us from anything.
and now you must die.
good morning, ma'am. good afternoon, sir. it passed noon while i was speaking, so that was technically accurate.
uh-oh. oh! ow! uh!
help me! help meeeee! sucker!
if they're really witches, why don't they use their powers to escape?
hey, dad, how come you've never taken us to see a soccer game?
homer. we gotta get out of here.
well, i should hope not!
well, you'll probably want the accessory kit: holster...
and this is for shooting down police helicopters.
well, let's see here, uh, according to your background check, you've been in a mental institution...
hey dad, can i borrow the gun tomorrow? i want to scare that old security guard at the bank.
no, thanks!
can you help me get my ball down from the roof, dad?
homer, i think you'd agree that i've put up with a lot in this marriage. but this is the first time since we've been married that i've actually feared for our lives. so i'm asking you, if you really care about me and the children, please, please get rid of the gun.
until you decide what's more important - your gun or your family - we can't live in the same house. come on, kids.
all right. vote quimby.
do what he says. i'm too rich to die.
well, your cholesterol level is lethally high, homer. but i'm more concerned about your gravy level.
he's the only coach this team has ever had. and the season hasn't even started yet.
do you have a question for sandy koufax?
uh-huh. half a brain, huh? well, you know what? it sounds like you just volunteered!
oh, man.
yeah. / yeah, he's right. / he's good.
aw, crap.
forfeit? / what? / come on! / oh, man.
he's doing what he thinks is best...
i'll scratch you. the hair. the hair. slut. loser. skag. skag. skag.
all right, i've got an arrest warrant here for a nelson muntz. uh, which one of you little punks is muntz?
i know.
oh, i cannot get married. i'm just beginning to enjoy my bachelorhood. ah, what am i going to do?!
i'm not the type to kiss and tell, sir, but listen to this...
is it me, or do your plans always involve some horrible web of lies?
baloney. you came here to put me in a home.
wow, someone sure likes his kidney mush.
mother, i am so sorry. i lied to you about being married.
"well, i'm hot blooded / check it and see / i've got a fever of a hundred and three..."
got you.
dad? why aren't you saying anything? where's our motorboat?
oh, we can work this out, friends. in the spirit of sharing, what say we simply place the sacred bones in--
sorry to trouble you, but i'm goin' in for surgery tomorrow, and i wondered if i could rub the angel with my foot for good luck. it's foot surgery.
you did what? / analysis? / i don't like her.
well, it didn't ride up on no zebra.
you know, homer, i'm starting to realize life is short.
i'm tired of being cooped up in this house all the time!
homer, be careful...
edelbrock intakes...
oh, thank you bart, thank you lisa, for all your help!
my high school sweetheart was killed in a drag racing accident.
well, neighborinos, i guess this is goodbye... i better make this quick or i'm gonna start blubbering like a baby.
ow!
still, it would have been nice to bring home at least one paycheck.
i know...
sounds like you're having a rough christmas, homer. you know what i blame this on the breakdown of? society.
homer! you won't believe what's happened! it's a miracle!
will this christmas never end?
stop that!
"...you'll all get yours in hell, you lying, thieving, blanking blankers. sincerely, moe."
stop this madness. it's just a washcloth. besides, it's mine. yoink!
so prepare yourself, for the bloody mayhem and unholy carnage of joshua logan's, "paint your wagon!"
you like musicals, don't you dad?
because of you all, i got a tune in my head / and the only way to stop it, is to make you all dead.
i'm not going to the bathroom in the backyard.
you had a quadruple bypass. you nearly died. don't you remember?
ooh, almost... rats, too hard... oh, that was close... wow, what a scam.
hey, you lost your money fair and square. i didn't scam nobody.
all right, now this geek bit is pretty straightforward. you just bite the heads off the chickens and take a bow. go on, give it a try. and remember, big smiles.
well, we gotta git. here's the money box. uh, any questions?
gee, i'd hate to close you down. maybe we can reach a little, ah, "understanding" here...
all right, that's it. i'm shutting this game down.
ooo, what a nice surprise! this is so generous of you, cooder.
homer!
so we'd own the house legit?
have you heard of krishna consciousness?
it's this weekend.
you bought four of them. thank god the check bounced.
why don't you come chat with us about the leader at the welcome center.
and your stink brings tears to my eyes!
you've failed at everything you've ever tried.
we what?
homer simpson, your family will be housed here for the first 100,000 years. then something might open up in a double.
this is ridiculous, we're already married!
homer, you don't have to go with them!
oh, all right. you can stay up late tonight. but tomorrow everyone's going to bed at five o'clock.
yes indeedy. makin' some good scratch, too.
is that my good butter?
mr. simpson?
what do we need church shoes for? jesus wore sandals.
no, dad, it's to fight soil erosion.
dad!
yeah, yeah, yeah. so, i'm watchin' tv today...
i brought a bag of money in case he wants us to burn it again.
what on earth -- ?!
ah, i don't know, homer. women can smell panic. and, uh, right now, i gotta be reekin' of it.
so, renee, it looks like you've taken quite a shine to moe. do you mind if i ask why?
c'mon, homer! i'm one of your dearest friends! when everybody said you were too drunk to drive that time, who gave you your keys?
righ-- no, no. wrong. listen. while i'm on the boat with the perfect alibi, you steal my car, and park it on the railroad tracks. then when the 10:15 train comes along... wham! the insurance company pays off five thousand clams. i keep showing renee the sweet life.
homer, did you really steal a car?
pssst. homer. homer. wake up.
ten minutes till fresh air and exercise.
eh! that's it! you're going down, pal! oh, boy... uh, i really wanna sleep...
you'll have it in forty-five seconds, sir.
yeah... huh, huh, huh, maybe people got hurt!
i'm getting worried about lisa. she's been gone for hours.
i run an unsuccessful shrimp company.
what about our five bucks?
welcome to the knowledgeum! i'm troy mcclure. you may remember me from such automated information kiosks as "welcome to springfield airport" and "where's nordstrom?" while you're enjoying our hall of wonders, your car will unfortunately be subject to repeated break-ins...
nnno, that stinks. let me try one. "this is geraldine, and the devil made me miss your call. so, here come de beep. here come de beep."
yeah and you drooled all over it, ya--
daybreak. jakarta. the proud men and women of the navy are fighting for freedom. but you're in lubbock, texas, hosing stains off a monument. you're in the naval reserve. america's seventeenth line of defense, between the mississippi national guard and the league of women voters. after basic training you'll only have to work one weekend a month. and most of that time you're drunk off your ass!
for god's sake, don't answer that! i could go to jail!
good luck, dad. although i am morally opposed to the military-industrial complex of which you are now a part.
all right, simpson. i don't like you and you don't like me --
and another thing! when people come up to me and say "hey, little buddy," and hit me over the head with a hat - that's not funny! that hurts! stop laughing at me!
can i?
i'm a man of few words! any questions?
so what's the best way to get peace?
don't fire the torpedoes.
ice-blended mocha drinks and david schwimmer.
sparkle sparkle!
a dishonorable discharge! it's the best we could've hoped for.
knock-out drops?
i put the tax forms on top of your to do pile a month ago!
mr. simpson, this government computer can process over nine tax returns per day. did you really think you could fool it?
they want you to spy on your friends?
you sayin' you want to commit a crime, homer?
ohh, you're not through, simpson. we have a high-risk assignment for you.
now what, smithers? i... you're not smithers.
what is this? what are you doing?
it was.
faster, simpson! those jack-booted g-men won't be far behind.
any of these islands would make a fine new country.
do not be alarmed. that is just my helper monkey, sir. i got him after a robber shot me six times and left me for dead.
oh, son, this monkey's gonna change my life.
excellent.
i'm sir loves-a-lot, the bear who loves to love!
yep, that's the rule. he who tops it off, drops it off.
dad, is this another one of those situations that could be solved by a simple apology?
homer, that crazy lady who lives in our trash pile attacked me again.
you've signed my name lots of times.
hey, stop that!
so, homer, if we vote for you, whaddaya gonna do different?
why should they vote for you?
i would deem it excellent.
yeah!
what button? what the hell are you talkin' about?!
simpson, the american people have never tolerated incompetence in their public officials. you are going to crash and burn, my fat-headed friend.
you know dad, there's a lesson in all this. many cities have problems with garbage disposal, and it's time we realized you can't just...
i don't know how you did it, homer, but you certainly solved that budget crisis. what the hell is that?
wowwww! mcbain has really buffed up. you could grate cheese on those abs.
yeah, well, if you get a grown-up, then so do we. i pick my dad. oh, you'd be surprised. he gets pretty competitive when he's drinking. c'mon, dad. we're playing capture the flag!
tag tag tag tag tag!
oh, well, we have some low-salt candy bars and some reduced-fat soda. and our beef jerky is now nearly rectum-free.
oh my goodness gracious!
homer, stop insulting us and eat your filth. food. i mean, food.
son! don't go up that mountain! you'll die up there! just like i did!
frankly we don't care.
didja make it to the top, dad? huh? didja?
dad?
oh, all right.
shouldn't you be at work right now?
dad, grab onto it!
dad! you're headed for the river again!
wowww. it's magnificent. now i know how sir dudley winthrop felt when he first fell through the ceiling and discovered the temple of isis. have you ever seen such exquisite ushabtis?
it's kind of humbling, isn't it? the music we just heard might never be heard again.
yayyy!
yeah, we probably should... you know... rock the casbah.
ooh! ooh! ooh! ooh! sorry! sorry! sorry! do you want me to?
i love him, too. g'night.
safe at last.
oh, isn't it romantic? doilies and cozies as far as the eye can see.
shh! they'll hear us.
oh, this is so naughty. coming back to our old love nest...
we've gotta get home before someone sees us.
hang on, homie. i'm gonna try to set her down.
look, dad, they've got every kind of paper! looseleaf, graph, unlined, college-ruled!
uh, dad, i don't think the dog can handle any more bacon.
four pounds of grease... that comes tooo... sixty-three cents.
but, dad...
we run the grease racket in this town.
where's the hose?
not so fast, boy-o. well, if it was up to me, i'd let ya go. but the lads have a temper... and they've been drinkin' all day.
oh, honey, don't eat that. wouldn't you rather have your sugar bag?
the kids and i want to show you all the great things you've done.
that, too. he also invented the phonograph, the microphone, and the electric car.
they're all about smugglers.
all right, already! everyone knows the man accomplished a lot. maybe because he didn't spend every waking moment talking about thomas edison!
something electrical might be good.
butt.
well, all you have to do is think of things that people need, but which don't exist yet.
homer, you've got it set on "whore."
they're terrible.
me, too!
yeah! hell, damn, fart!
can i?
one stinkin' letter? why'd you make us gather 'round like that?
that's your underwear.
nelson?! i explicitly forbade bart from playing with that little monster. ooo, bart is in deep, deep trouble. oh, yes. and punish lisa for lying to us.
actually, it took fifty-three hours.
boy, you're getting this transplant just in time, homer. this is genuine human hair.
ah, morning, homer. ah, you're looking unusually focused this morning.
my school picture!!
oh, homer, you're not going as a hobo again?
me too.
and now she must return home to rigel 7, where she will be guaranteed a lucrative civil service job for life.
yeah, yeah. anyway, you promised to take us to the lake.
stop calling everyone suckers!
uh sir, you can't operate a boat under the influence of alcohol.
i don't know... i think dad might be a little heavy for parasailing.
it's basinger.
hm, sometimes we need to get away from hollywood. l.a. is just so phony.
will you promise to keep our secret?
yes.
hi, i'm ron howard.
a cell phone? last thursday's "variety"?
on my pillow.
i'm sorry, homer.
yess! in your freckled face, howard!
homer, you betrayed our confidence. i just don't think we can be friends anymore.
of course not.
we love celebrities!
you killed ron howard!
or begging. i know a place that'll saw your legs off...
hey!
hey, what the heck is your middle name, anyway?
this is the hippie commune your mother ran off to when life with me became a living hell.
she also left her old poncho.
homer, excuse yourself.
join the hack.
i drive a saturn.
oh, lord.
the only people who are going be freaked out are our stockholders.
i know you feel bad about the juice incident, but i'm sure you can make up for it somehow.
oh, for the love of... there. now, let's crack some skulls.
no, no one's "going catholic." three children is enough, thank you.
lobsters need salt water.
the water's boiling! quick, chuck him in!
daddd...
hey, what smells so good?
because they discovered gold right over there--
first of all, i'm not a robot. and second, i got this metal ass in 'nam, defending this country for lazy jerks like you. now, what'll you have, partner?
but i really need to--
oh, no!
you see, the waiting list for a kidney is very long and...
nah, nah, no. makin' polenta, that's a procedure. you're talkin' about deadly, life-threatening surgery, here.
and, uh, are those your original lips?
well... i said i'd do it, so i guess i'll have to.
well, if you look closely, you'll see this is a taffy shop shaped like a ship.
who are we? no one. where are we sailing? nowhere. do we even exist? who knows?
we make a great team, son.
while we were setting your broken bones and putting your blood back in, we helped ourselves to a kidney and gave it to your father.
/ yeah! / star wars!
wow, that was close. well, thanks a lot, homer.
okay, listen up! my goal is to assassinate that watermelon. your job is to take the bullet. go! go! go! go! pow!
homer! i don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children.
well, that's an interesting story. it seems president kennedy's father...
i'm alive, you idiot! pull me in!
you're guarding the mayor tonight? after fat tony swore revenge?
nnyyeeeeeesss.
but i'm just here to kill... wha--
i checked with the doctor. he said mayor quimby's gonna be fine... and i was electric as nathan detroit. what did you think of me?
hockey puuuuucks...
no...
/ what's he talking about? / what's he saying? / who is he? / etc.
rod, call doctor stein.
stop that! will you help me or not?
all right.
thanks, buddy.
on the x. uh, yeah, paint. now, it's of critical importance that you don't--
seven a winner.
more libations, my imperial conquerors?
here comes that vomit again.
by the power vested in me by the chicago outfit, i now pronounce you husbands and wives.
well, do something! this is all your fault. you and your stupid program.
we found some guys who know how to treat a woman.
just a reminder, folks, we do have a baseball game today. i am dennis conroy, and heeere come your isotopes!
bases loaded, two outs, bottom of the ninth, and it's do or die.
well, here's a die-hard fan. sir, your beloved isotopes are about to make history. any thoughts?
hey, who's on first?!
sure you do. you have the right to remain silent.
i'm tired of that show. but i've been hearing good things about "talk to the hand." tom shales says the writing "snaps, crackles and pops."
all right, you kids come down now. we promise we won't kill ya.
doughy's has terrible pizza.
nah. nah. no. you hear that clunk?
hey, you got off easy. i just came in to use the phone and they got me for the whole road king package. alignment, shocks, armour all, stem lube...
dang! that was my last quarterback. now what am i gonna do? you!
nah.
aw, crap. it's that pip-squeak rudy.
who needs tickets? tickets right here. how 'bout you, slick?
forget it. you'll just hurt me like all the others.
oo, look at the time. i better scoot to that halftime show. see y'all.
uh, hello, this is president clinton.
'cause you can really "go places" in the travel business. huh? feel free to use that one.
it's hard to believe someone that young could have risen to the rank of admiral.
another person wants to congratulate you for having a famous name.
uh, homer, we've worked together for ten years. it's carl. you only wrote my name. um, i wanted yours.
your character provides the comic relief. like... ohhh... marlon brando in "apocalypse now."
oh, it's never enough, not for them. once they get a taste of you, they want more and more and more. that reminds me, do you mind if my nephew kicks you in the belly?
but then we found out that abc had a similar project in development with annie potts and jeremy piven.
what name would you prefer?
but i fell in love with homer simpson. i don't want to snuggle with "max power."
sir, traditionally, a monogram is just initials.
i like a man who can poke fun at himself. ooh, hey, my one o'clock canceled. have you had any lunch?
where'd you meet this trent steel? moe's?
heh. very well.
i thought i knew all the players in springfield. where have you been hiding yourself?
we have to protect them, because trees can't protect themselves. except, of course, the mexican fighting trees.
man, i have really had it with you tree-huggers.
this is terrible.
i don't want to be chesty larue or busty st. claire!
who is your favorite indian pop singer?
either put that book down or let me drive.
this is about investment opportunities in yemen.
i do too. but it was sweet. women really like that sort of thing, homie.
hey, watch it! you're all over the road!
well, this is turning out to be a total waste of time.
really? i did that?
oh, galldurnit! why won't you die?!
dad, you were supposed to pay for those snacks.
okay, here's how your lease breaks down. this is your down payment... then here's your monthly... and there's your weekly...
a pretty thing like you can do whatever she wants.
how could they take away my license? it feels like i lost a limb.
throw your peanuts!
but there's only one way to find out!
c'mon, move your butt! you're blocking traffic!
homer...
no! the smithsonian traveling exhibit. it encapsulates america and makes history come alive!
who's fonzie?
we sure do. it's called caring.
yeah, well, i hope it doesn't hum too loud, 'cause i have a ton of homework to do, and if i don't finish it by... my room!
until you taped over it, "the little mermaid."
no-ho-ho...
da-ad!
lisa i'm afraid your tummy ache may be caused by stress.
you know, just because you say something is crazy, doesn't make it so. and just because you think museums are boring and demolition derbies are fun, doesn't make that true either!
well, your tongue works.
gee, i should cut dad some slack. after all, he did take me to the ballet, and the smithsonian exhibit... in fact, he takes me lots of places he hates.
you still haven't told us why lenny bit you.
uh, if you want some friendly advice, pal, i wouldn't tackle the big'un right away.
the winner and still champion, reliable red barclay!
don't you have work?
if you wanna be my lover / you gotta get with my friends / makin' love forever / friendship's where that ends / if you wanna be my lover...
i suppose.
well, congress is racing back to washington to outlaw these...
we get 40 bucks an hour to drive these rigs. you think anybody'd hire us if they knew we weren't really drivin' the trucks?
what are you doing?
yeah, that sounds like red, all right.
oooo. what a beautiful garden. it's almost like paradise.
well, i'd better skedaddle. oh, there's one more weensy little thing -- you see that tree over there? i hate to be a bossy betty, but i have to forbid you to eat its fruit.
adam, say something.
i'll be fine. just give me a second to... ugh...
it's the rapture. and i never knew true love.
you know, homie, a lot of men use their saturdays to do things around the house, hint, hint.
but today i'm here as a "tool" of global dynamics corp. you know, installing your own barbecue pit is no harder than adding an aviary, or olympic-sized swimming pool. in fact, it's a snap! or if you're not into chicken...
all returned items must be in a box and accompanied by a receipt.
that's your license plate, isn't it?
well, you should be very excited, because outsider art couldn't be hotter.
that's my life you're describing.
uh, no. we're going to hold a show devoted entirely to you.
well, i guess nothing else matters as long as you're happy.
who?
any ideas yet?
oh, yes, and he also set up hundreds of yellow umbrellas along the california highway...
are you sure this is art, not vandalism?
yep.
ow!!
that place sucks! the nurses don't let grampa do anything. they practically chew his food for him.
hey, thanks. ow! my eye! ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! ow!
give me my baby!
get a horse!
i do! i do! / right here!
i want you to look at me the way i saw you look at arthur fortune.
that didn't go well, did it?
aye.
tough luck, simpson.
an open letter to the people of springfield: today our town lost what remained of its fragile civility, drowned in a sea of low-fat pudding.
oh, yes. your name?
well, for the first time in my life i feel that someone understands...
oh, homie.
silence. i don't need anyone to talk for me except this voice-box. you have clearly been corrupted by power. for shame!
i didn't say that.
dad, that's fox!
now, homer, we can't have you burglarizing us every time you've got a bill to pay.
are you tired of missing out on the good things in life? family vacations, jet packs, solid gold dancers...
homer, you could've just unscrewed the bottom.
homer!
what the--?
oh my goodness, homer, those are a hundred and fifty dollars.
congratulations. i am the emperor and...
be careful. we need that money to get home.
i had an inkling.
oh, i'm afraid this might be the end.
i'm proud of you, dad. buying an electric car will help clean the air up and protect the earth's supply... you're faking this to get the gift, aren't you?
hey, we never opened that envelope to see what our gift is.
were you or lenny ever named sexiest man alive?
excellent. / that man knows how to filibuster.
quiet! dad's gonna get his butt kicked by mel gibson! knock his teeth out, homer!
homer is a brutally honest man, completely tactless and insensitive.
no.
hmm, i guess it is a little flat. okay, let's reshoot the ending. i'll call the hair and make-up ladies. you see if the teamsters will work for free.
i don't make movies to win awards -- especially now that i have two oscars. i make movies for guys like him.
well, i've been told i can play anywhere from 28 to...
movies mean that much to you, homer?
jump!!! homer, are you okay?!
i don't.
... unless you're willing to try a radical, untested, potentially dangerous...
i don't want to take drugs.
oh, mom... all right. i'll do it for you.
a guy could do great things with a gadget like that.
all right, girls, tops off. it's showtime!
aagghh!
homer, you're supposed to be hunting for bart!
why is the zero made out of glass?
welcome to the springfield shopper, established in 1883. the newspaper was founded by johnny newspaperseed... a fourteen-year-old boy who roamed america, founding newspapers.
enough already!
well, you keep using words like "pasketti" and "momatoes," you make numerous threatening references to the u.n., and at the end, you repeat the words "screw flanders" over and over again...
uh, i don't think so.
this is so exciting, homie. your first restaurant review.
the food is exquisite...
homer! this is our theater critic, daphne beaumont.
good lord, man, you're a critic! you don't have to like everything. e.g., my latest review: "we see john deere has come out with this year's line of rototillers. surprise surprise, they're green. i say it's time to send john deere a 'dear john.'"
i chop-a you good!
dad, you're being cruel for no reason -- what will people think?
listen, you gotta shape up. next week is the "taste of springfield" festival, and you'll be reviewing every restaurant in town. remember, people have certain expectations about the lifeways section.
dad, no! it's gonna kill you!
i still can't believe we escaped from those horrible vampires.
oh, i'm so relieved. whenever you go on one of your late night fog walks, i get so worried.
stop winking.
you can't kill the undead, silly.
it musta been hard debugging all those computers, huh homer?
hey, everybody! they're looting the mall. hurry! i got nine shoe buffers!
i'm not dead!
love ya lots!
'fraid so. but hey, the grub's pretty good, huh?
touché.
yeah, thanks. it's just past the end of the bar, next to the heavyset guy.
suh, your challenge is accepted.
looks like you were saved by a christmas tree.
yeah, git yer own habitat.
what a dump!
dad!
well, i know your soil ph is up around 9.6, and you need it seven to eight, max.
well, if it isn't mr. salad fork. you couldn't grow stink on a monkey.
where'd you get that?
oh, honey, give it up.
it does. but it's smooth and mild. and refreshingly addictive.
hello, folks. would you and your family like to take a ride with us?
you're about to launch a terrible evil on the world. you've gotta destroy this plant.
i've never been so glad to be home.
i can't get maggie to eat. maybe if you try...
hey, you wanna come bowling with us tonight?
uhh, actually, i'd say you're having a severe psychotic episode.
you did it, homie!
according to redbook magazine, what is the speed of light?
you idiot! you'll ruin everything!
homer!
geez, homer. i never seen you so depressed. as your life partner, i'm very worried.
daddy, we're missing the fantasti-potamus. she only sings twice a day!
well, i don't want to pry into your personal life...
oh, yes sir. quite happily.
o-kay.
"loosen up, baby. tomorrow i'm shipping off to vietnam." i... i thought i was going to ivy league state.
gee, sorry for being born.
oh look who's here, the family with one baby. how do you manage?
plus, you'll meet a dog who can't predict anything! then, three other things! when we come back, we'll show you the contents of a supermodel's stomach!
dancing!
yeah, you can arrest me, but you'll never defeat the cobras. nothing can defeat a motorcycle gang.
hey, homer! can i join?
get away from my store, you young hoodlums.
hey, hey, chew with your mouth closed, please.
hey! hey! that's a leave-in conditioner!
korean love brides?!
take your wallet.
sis-ters are doin' it for themselves!
what about mr. burns? maybe he'll help us out.
well, what do we have here? looks like the biggest rip-off since "webster."
well, anyone would be nervous with all the economic turmoil you read about in the...
yeah! let's go skiing! / yeah, dad. let's go!
feels like i'm wearin' nothin' at all. nothin' at all, nothin' at all...
oh, really? well, knock yourself out. just don't expect any miracles from those two.
you know, the reason for the hat...
good. maple soda?... a cell phone full of candy?... astronaut bread?
will you guys turn that thing down?
leprosy?! aahhh! unclean! unclean!
oh, those poor souls. what's the christian thing to do?
ah, you must be the simpsons.
well, it all sounds lovely, but...
or a ski hat if you've got a picture of a girl.
my computer has 512 shades of red.
homer, maybe i should drive.
what have you got so far?
oh-ho, true enough. but, uh, did you have to salt the earth so nothing would ever grow again?
wow! he should have his foot insured by lloyds of london!
just a simple yes or no.
yes!
you won a grammy.
good lord! this bedroom is as big as our house!
stop that! cigars are for rich people and legendary comedians, like bill crosby and david letterson.
homer, you've got to stop pretending this is your house. you're not a billionaire.
now, you know i can't sell you no beer till two p.m., on accounta it's sunday.
hey, there's another way to get on the boat!
well, let's play it by ear.
enough! get in the net.
what about the people on the bottom?
do you have a military i.d.?
don't worry, sir. we'll get to that one...
i can't believe those idiot judges were impressed by glowing plastic tubes.
he's a diving horse. maybe he could dive for pearls.
what the...
ew, you used my bracelet for a nose ring!
just lose the stinkin' race!
could it be? in a bizarre twist, a horse is abusing a jockey. might this be the start of a terrifying planet of the horses? in this announcer's opinion, almost certainly yes. and away i go.
ah, we're so lucky to have this untouched piece of paradise so close to springfield.
hi-diddly-ho, pedal-to-the-metal-o-philes!
well, i guess no one else wants a t-shirt!
and now, the good people at fan-demonium, as part of a generous settlement, will fire a 21-t-shirt salute.
i just bought that...
ah, you're right. i've just got to work through the grief. there's not gonna be an easy answer.
oh, it's been a hard couple of months, but i feel like i've turned a corner.
oh i would date ned in a second, if i was a woman, or gay. he looks like a cuddler, that ned. i, i like that. i like to be held. i like to be pampered.
homer, i'm having second thoughts. this feels so disloyal to maude.
homer, you help too.
sorry, but these thieves make me so damn mad! you know who you are. thieves!
but, thanks to insta-trace, we've learned it's homer simpson, of 742 evergreen terrace.
it's 12:15.
and you thought you could stab your problems away?
we'll send you someplace safe till the heat dies down.
first of all, forget everything you learned in missionary school.
really? you sure you wouldn't rather have a coconut? they're delicious.
t...v?
you've only been gone two days.
dad, are you licking toads?
i am ak.
why are you building chapel?
now, which one of you is our designated driver?
oh, boy!
homer, did you hear that? she called me handsome. me. it's like i've gone to heaven... wait a minute. i died on the operating table, didn't i?
i've been waiting all my life for this moment. homer, whoa, whoa, homer. change of plans.
yeah, hey, i gotta gift. as a child, i was bitten by the acting bug. then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. now those eggs are hatching. and i... the feeling is indescribable.
why, who are you?
nah, it's just as well. that handsome face was nice, but it was too much maintenance. i had to wash it, rub it with neat's-foot oil... you did me a favor, homer. and to think i was about to sell the bar to hooters...
ah, something troubles me about indian gaming. on the one hand, the revenue helps the tribes...
hey, dad. my band finally got a break. i just need a little moolah to get my amp outta hock. how about a little loanski?
dad, that's just a myth. lincoln didn't hide any gold in the white house.
my gold is in the heart of every freedom-loving american.
look, dad. barber hair. ooo, italian.
well, i'm off to market...
i feel for you, pally. but, uh, you want a.a. -- this is triple a.
hey, homer. ah, no, no, no, don't sit there. take this seat, right next to the tap.
whoops, sorry. when i think about all the time i wasted at moe's...
cheer up, homie. you don't need friends to be happy. i haven't had a friend in years.
enjoy.
now dance, rummy!
i can't do this! my nerves are shot! beer. that's what i need.
hang on! i'll throw you a ladder!
a double tall mocha latte.
why don't you be the quizmaster and ask other people the questions?
i don't know. i'm trying to sleep.
the crisis? charlie bluhdorn's birthday. the solution? a snappy banner. out comes the phone, in flies bobby towne. and six drafts later, i had myself a party.
because it's made of plastic.
what up, chew toys? cienega here, tightenin' the hose clamps for ya bad girls! we got kid rock comin' up for all you mosh monkeys.
yo, let's waste that biatch!
dad, look out!
pull over!
you went to the snack car?
y'all just lie low here. you'll be safe with ol' velma. stop that.
you mean, when they marry other people.
well, looks like you folks are free to go. but don't you set foot in the state of florida again.
i love you, daddy.
better or worse?
wait! you've gotta use these drops. they prevent your eyes from crusting over.
but i just... need more practice. see ya!
see, honey? all you needed was to believe in...
homer, look, we're invited to otto's wedding! ooh, and such delicate tissue paper. zig-zag!?
bart, remember that talk we had about you volunteering our house?
i'm not insane!
oh, i've got too much to do to take a nap right now. lisa, get maggie out of that cage. and homer, since you're dressed for it, i got some s & m for ya: scrubbing and mopping.
and shit he did. using his home as the studio, and his family as the cast, this penniless peckinpah shot a crude five-minute video.
the simpsons had their foot in the door. fox ordered thirteen episodes. but would the public respond?
hey, that's funny!
dad, i want to go to bed. aren't there child labor laws?
got a brother named billy / and my teeth look silly / break it down now!
and marge simpson!
what?!
i wouldn't celebrate so soon, mr. simpson. i don't see a single good deed next to your name.
silence, sinner! prepare for an eternity of horrible pain!
what?! you threw our precious babies into the woods?! we could have sold them! go back and get them!
uh, di... did i say "killer dolphins"? i meant killer italians. gray, bottle-nosed, intelligent italians.
if i could just... this is really not... you're hurting my...
how did the badger do that without ripping your shirt?
don't forget the leaflets they dropped from the space shuttle. and the two weeks we all spent at area code camp.
... has been replaced by the convenience of two area codes.
what are you pathetic slobs gonna do about it?
the mayor... starring homer simpson.
dad, you got syrup on your sash.
scientists say they are also less attractive physically. and while we speak in a well-educated manner, they tend to use lowbrow expressions, like "oh yeah?" and "c'mere a minute."
we can't go on fighting with olde springfield. these people are our neighbors. we see them every day.
well, dad, you're mayor of a ghost town.
oh, yeah, right. i got fired by the who. whatever you say, pal. wack-o...
we know our songs, homer.
daily?
hey, we just took care of that dangerous melon that was threatening our garden.
what's going on here?
homer, that's not a prayer, that's gossip.
my little girl's sharp as a tack. i tried the "got your nose" bit on her -- didn't fool her for a second.
oh, krusty. i'm sure she just needs time to get used to you.
then it's decided. our website name will be crime dot org.
don't you call me a--
they've undergone terrible hardships.
homer, it's neddy. i baked you a little something to ease the pain.
just a cotton-pickin' minute. i've been getting a's since gymboree.
va la bamba / va la bamba...
mr. simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn.
so let me put this simply: you need more money.
i see. you have thirty seconds to wow me.
that was capital - my lung is aching.
and i'd like an hour on the holodeck with seven of nine. saturn's rings! let me get that for you. paper bag, or triple mylar?
oh, yes, sir!
hey, there's our resident bull panda, ping ping. with any luck, folks, these two will become very, very close, if you know what i mean.
well done, monkey! that other panda gave some unexpected zazz to the festivities, eh?
take that back for nine hundred and three dollars.
no, dad. you could really brighten the holidays for those less fortunate.
christmas.
didn't you get the e-mail?
oh, good, because if you were i would have to ask you to leave the store.
did i hear my name? my ears are burnin'.
you have chosen no, meaning you've committed a crime, but don't want to confess. a paddy wagon is now speeding to your home.
mom wants you to come to bed.
you know, it might've been jimbo.
eh, who am i to point the finger? i once ran over a guy in a parking lot, and dumped the body on a golf course.
well, if mr. x were here right now, i'd buy him a tall frosty.
unfortunately, we don't know who he is. so his cash award will be used to feed starving children.
well, you can't post news if you don't have any.
oh, no one leaves the island.
well, they keep us here because we know too much. number 27 there knows how to turn water into gasoline. number 12 knows the deadly secret behind tic-tacs. and i invented the bottomless peanut bag.
oh don't be cute. i'm referring to the flu shot exposé. you see, we're the ones loading them with mind-controlling additives.
psst.
can i turn this off?
don't worry, marge. you won't feel a thing. you'll feel four things.
oh, my goodness!
yeah, and a good dad wouldn't miss his son's little league games!
but wouldn't that make us con artists?
what are you doing? why are you frosting that old throw pillow?
no, no, no. i'll pay for the cake.
how much for the dog?
what?
oh, why not? if we don't take their money, they'll just give it to some televangelist.
call me mint jelly, 'cause i'm on the lam!
okay, we're all locked up now...
anything else?
dad, willie got arrested 'cause of us!
willie! as your employer, i insist that you...
well, i'm gonna take the broncos in this game. 'cause the packers will be blinded by jerry's tie.
finally, a circus full of whimsy and wonder.
this is terrible. how will the kids get home?
catchy song, all right. you really wrote it?
we're gonna crash!
folks, you're about to witness the exciting new process of motion-capture animation.
uh, sir? your life savings.
homer!
oh, oh, right, okay.
mr. simpson, i'm afraid you have a crayon lodged in your brain.
really?
i always dreamed you'd be my library buddy.
haw haw!
burn! burn! burn!
is that your final answer?
look, what if we gave you the name of an unlicensed surgeon?
sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
they're unveiling a combination apron/smock. it's called a "smapron."
hey! hey, over here! here, bully, bully, bully, bully, bully!
well, look at that painting. wow. the artist really captured jimi's passion and intensity.
oh, homie. i knew you'd support me.
now homer, we don't actually "crack" backs. it's merely an adjustment. okay, you're gonna hear a loud cracking sound. there we go.
okay, okay.
you've been warned. stop chiropracting.
c'mon, c'mon, let's go!
i can't believe i'm gonna miss that!
sure, computer technology is here to stay. but there'll always be a place for the practical special effects wizard.
you know what else scares me? everything!
of course! this is the "contempo."
yesss?
foxy boxing?
we win again!
will you get serious, homer? i'd like to win at least once.
no, it's a smooth motion... you follow through with your racket.
oh. hi dad.
well, actually, the name of bart's partner is...
we can wipe out b.c. in our lifetime.
this session's over.
lisa! did you make that awful effigy?
no we're not. you're going down.
yeah, that's pretty low.
yoink!
nutsy the clown.
well, dad, i think running's good exercise -- it adds years to your life.
but...
dad, l.t.'s gone crazy!
meh.
it's okay, but it's missing a piece.
thank you, dad.
he's a smelly ugly dork.
i cannot streak that much hair. think of the cost. i'd be ruined!
nope. this is the equipment shed.
this meeting is over.
now, homer, we've developed this additive that makes beer super, super malty. care to try it?
well, homie, i believe you're telling the truth about the isotopes.
goodbye, homie. here's dr. hibbert's number if you feel weak.
yeah, but his weary shuffling makes my heart smile.
okay, skinny, on your feet.
eat! eat! eat! eat! eat! eat!
i got it!
okay, with the window bars, toilet latches, dingo alarm, and grapefruit-squirt shield, your total cost would be... wow, i'm rich!
how are you supposed to dial?
booo!
no, dad! didn't you listen to anything i said?
we need these because we have... to...
excuse me? is there a problem here?
"find the golden giraffe, and we'll send you and your family to africa."
he is our leader. he seized power in a bloodless coup. all smotherings.
that's terrible!
now, simpsons! run for it!
wow, dad. how did you do that?
yes.
she's one of the ten richest chimp researchers in the world.
i'll get us out of this. say dad, want to go see my project for the school science fair?
you can't have a brownie. period.
calm down! if we hurry, they can reattach your thumb.
i'm sorry, homer. your h.m.o. doesn't cover this type of injury.
i reckon so. hey, somebody done stoleded my wheels.
not right now. your father's in there and --
no, i'm not!
that's great. maybe we could have coffee sometime.
poor ned. he can't look anywhere without being reminded of maude.
maude's old sketch book. she was quite the little artist, you know.
well, it's been a tad harder than i thought, but i'm not complaining 'cause i work for a sweet, sweet, boss. you're our foreman, maude.
oh, maude, i turned your dream of a christian amusement park into a bemusement park.
may the lord have mercy on your gas sniffin', orphan beatin', soul.
okay. homer.
now, how did this happen?
oh, you're also responsible for this hefty hospital bill. you shouldn't have ordered all those hospital haircuts and porno films.
hey, homer, i need to ask ya a favor. my baby sitter canceled and i got tickets to a christian rock concert. it's gonna be one wholesome evening. so, do you think marge could take care of rowdy roddy and typhoon todd?
he told us how the world keeps screwing him over.
why did you put my name on the sign?
why, homer, your surgical incision is completely healed.
what about us?
ow! you stepped on my arm!
and he gambles like crazy.
where are we going?
i can't believe it. we won another contest!
okay, ready for another impression? this is southside jake tearin' into tin can tillie.
ooh, look out there, folks. that's the mighty mississip.
babies, who wants-a babies...
you stupid, stupid man! i curse you! you will bring bad luck to everyone you love!
maybe you need to take the leprechaun and sic it on the gypsy.
the gypsy said it would.
can i top you off?
homer! homer, you're alive!
shazbot.
don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting.
sorry, bub. that crow won't caw.
well, maybe it'll be fun. you'll get to spend more time together. make sure your father takes his mood medication.
hurry up, dad!
yeah, this tether has some pluses. 
really?
come on, homer.
no!
i'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you're so busy thinking up crazy ways to punish people, you can't see how much i love my kids.
ahh!!
no. no, there it is!
she's gonna find us!
what's that noise?
nuh-uh.
ah, quitcher bellyaching, coffee boy. you're lucky i let ya in here.
but who'll run the bar while you're gone?
sorry. sorry.
hey, homer.
just leave the bottle.
yeah, ya like it, homer?
and "penis" is russian for...
running a bar is a full-time job and you don't even do your full-time job.
but you're not even using them.
hunting? dad, no!
my leg! aww, geez!
oh, come on, bart. smell those curds! mmmmm, curds.
is there a problem?
look, there's one of my young chums now. you there!
new underpants? homer, what are you up to?
i'm going to make such love to you that, oh, you'll forget all about rudolph valentino. turn left here.
monty! it's beautiful.
wow, you don't get it.
what do i have to do? grow a devil beard?
how did you get my number?
oh my god!
o-kay. is anyone here not a downer? anyone?
well, is anything coming back to you?
oh. okay. well, we'll just be going, then.
it's the body!
oh yeah, oh yeah, i sleuthed my ass off on this one. okay, this is a number six from somebody's address. or is it a nine? you don't know. uh, this is gravel. okay? gravel. this is uh, that's more gravel. okay, oh. this is a shell, that to me -- this is just me talkin', it looks like a helmet for a mouse... now, that sounds crazy, right. but if you ask a mice about it, they don't say nothin'. i mean they run the other way. at first i was just fishin' with the helmet thing. but then from the mouse's reaction i got, i got a little more concerned.
over here, guv'nor.
now it's headed for the church.
you should be very upset.
more sugar, please.
pennsylvania avenue. i wanna buy a house. hey, where'd they go?
and we carried it out as a family!
sir, we know you're not an angel. my husband sees too many movies.
...and plenty of beer.
give them the beer! it will impair their motor skills!
homer!
oh, no. she's making him a sandwich.
we had a good run.
well, what about this? "the duff book of world records." it's got pictures of deformities.
why don't you try to set a record, dad?
shut up.
yeah, dad! you can be the world's laziest stunt organizer!
oh, hello homer.
i was just trying to make this a healthier place to live.
i think he's grossed-out by some seaweed.
no, i'm having one!
ooh, a salute to brunch! wave to brunch, maggie!
you know, tomorrow is the annual springfield formal event. we weren't going to go, after last year's... unpleasantness. that donkey is such a bad influence on you. but breaking your jaw has made you so sweet. maybe we can go.
well, he would eat all the time. we'd be making love, and he'd have a mouth full of hershey's miniatures.
hm, all clean, just the way i left it.
the demolition derby? that'll scratch my itch.
this family needs a live wire, but it's just not me.
homer, marge, i have a rather delicate proposition.
wow! homer, that was amazing.
you're very sweet... but no fake prom could make me forget my husband. sorry. very well, marge. i see you'll never feel about moi the way i feel about toi. but, before the evening ends, may i request an innocent peck on the cheek? okay.
i know what you're going through. we're coming up on mount carlmore. i carved that one wonderful summer.
listen to me, homer. you've won. you own marge's heart. and that's something i could never buy.
"springfield preparatory school?!" dad, you told me there were no private schools in springfield!
no! 
yeah, i guess.
dad, no. it says "don't walk"!
dad, it's a documentary on the homeless.
bart sure is fond of that cow gentleman.
boy, that's some fancy shootin'.
you care about bart's feelings.
fine.
there is no xfl this year. the league folded.
yeah, there's so many things we can...
please, son. driving is my last chance to feel alive.
cut it out. i can work the brakes myself.
shut up! you don't know her! zelda loves me! i hate this house!
so you've settled for branson.
why don't you read to us now?
what are you laughing at, dad?
hey!
well, look who the fates dragged in.
of course they didn't, honey. "just then, sir lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved joan of arc. they got married and lived in a spaceship. the end." well, it's easier to chew than that bambi video.
dad, that line was in the cartoon.
fine, i'll cut off your service.
crazy scheme, crazy scheme, crazy scheme...
and with the money left over, the orphanage was able to buy a door. now the monkeys cannot bite me. uh-oh. i am like sugar to them.
mm-hmm.
it says here we can get anywhere we want by taking a conga line.
guys! while you're singing and dancing, somewhere out there ronaldo is waiting to be found.
okay, on this map i marked all the places that ronaldo liked to go. if we split up, we should be able to search them all. 
just one, and it's across town.
oh, you two! we're eating genetically modified vegetables! look how big they are.
caw! caw!
homer, for your eyes, the best tonic is chronic. you're not afraid, are you?
hello?
homer, i-i-it's me, ned.
well, okay... i, i guess it would go something like this: all right, simpson, you're under arrest, see?
look, i'm really starting to worry. there's half-eaten cupcakes everywhere, we're all out of paperclips, and the curtains smell like doob!
thank you. and now, a man who's a real poth-ead ... i'm sorry, pothead... homer simpson!
homer, it's over. i want you to look at your children and promise them you will never do drugs again.
dad, you just said that three minutes ago.
oh, mr. burns! you were too beautiful for this world.
hey, hey, hey. i didn't ask for your life story.
hey homer, do you remember this voice?
we will not destroy the earth...one condition.
which makes you ten trillionth over-all.
congratulations, dad. the first step is admitting it.
say it, don't spray it.
i don't know which part of that sentence to correct first. but i cannot come. i work 22 hours a day, and then i go home to a wife who will not touch me. the indian rope trick has become the indian "nope" trick.
yeah, but i'm a recovering alcoholic, so...
homie, what's wrong?
that's sad. all those kids.
kids, we want to talk to you about something.
even better.
wait a minute. this isn't on the list!
who wants to put on a leotard and get screamed at?
my bubble, my rules.
in the tree.
...which has chosen your yard as its home.
then why don't i hear any sleep-screams?
oh homer, i feel like i'm talking to bennett cerf.
i am so sick of doing her dirty work. she's taking advantage of us, homer.
no!
up-bup-bup. you didn't say you'd kill me.
but we're innocent! it was the man with the braces.
chin up, homer... we've gotta put an electrode there to ground the brain stem. thank you.
uh homer, my face is up here.
look at those looters breaking windows, setting fires... they're living my dream, and you won't let me join them. please can i throw one little...
dad...
maybe we should look for clues.
but i just got out of juvie.
if you like protecting people, you could make that your job. you know, start a security company.
nobody. okely-dokely.
hey officer homer, how'd you get so big and strong?
radar love.
you are listing my broken dreams.
yeah, probably dreaming about the time she shot mr. burns.
beer... for me?
say homer, i was, uh, i was wondering if i could borrow that chainsaw you, uh, stole from me.
they look like you, they were rude to patty and selma, and the horde has been described as "very gassy."
i very much doubt that, homer. these are horrible ghouls from the past.
tell me again why we're spending our vacation on "the island of lost souls"?
hey, homer!
okay, but i'm keeping the tattered vest. i still have my dignity-- hey, slops! oooh, a toenail!
sorry, homer.
yeah, i guess i got caught up in all the glitz and glamour.
hey, we can't let our friend drive like this. i'm liable, here. get his keys!
do you remember how you got home last night, dad?
i had no idea, dad. i just assumed with all the stranglings, you know...
get in.
so to say thank you for all your sacrifices, we spent our family vacation fund on something that's just for you. do you like it?
have you been awake all night?
the clothes you wear on stage should be a defiant statement of individuality.
okay, strut, strut, strut, strut, strut, spin and... rooster! look everyone, homer's got it.
they're bloody cardboard!
come... on... dad...
tell you what. we're doing a benefit gig before we leave town. how would you like to join us on stage?
lenny, don't you have a crotch to stuff?
why is he performing the duties of a roadie? am i saying that right, "roadie?"
no, sorry.
networks love reality shows because they don't have to pay writers or actors.
oh, you'd win that bet. seems like i'm spending all my money on religious pay-per-view. or as i like to call it, "pray-per-view."
sucker.
the headlines proclaim "dewey defeats truman."
oh. if only i had your courage, señor.
ah, homie, are you as attracted to me as you were when we met?
homie! oooo, homie... hey, what happened?
homer, how come you never sang a song like that to me before?
dad, look!
who let her jugs out...?
heads up, dad. here comes the scum!
bart! watch your potty mouth!
hey, simpsons.
i like what i'm seeing in there.
if you just...
i guess the network made our show more exciting by dumping the house in a river.
when you put your t-shirt on backwards?
oh, it sure is good to be home.
anything good?
fair enough. now i will need round-the-clock access to all the simpsons, especially bart.
how can one ordinary man have so many enemies?
well, we've settled that argument. you can't read a magazine and drive.
now who's the sociopath? huh?
you've been elected king of mardi gras!
the killer is out there. i would stake my entire fortune of cigarettes on it.
there's your killer!
he's dead, like you should be!
hey, i only hung out with krabappel because skinner blew her off. i've never seen her so sad.
ewww.
i love teachers. in fact, i'm a teacher. i taught paul mccartney to go "whoo!"
that'll be fourteen dollars.
unauthorized user! access denied!
could it be some kind of book?
i'm still mad at you for chopping up my skateboard with an axe.
what can i do for you?
one word.
because this lab is cruelly testing consumer products on animals. take a look for yourself. they're making monkeys smoke cigarettes... and look at the way they've slathered those pigs with cosmetics!
i believe there's still the matter of my expenses.
i was framed! you believe me, don't you dad?
hello?
how could you?
you should have paid the expenses.
everything here is sword. sword baseball bat, sword rifle, sword pineapple, sword sword sharpener, sword pie-- hey what happened to the sword pie?
there is no way all this junk is gonna fit in that car.
two...
all this does is shoot bubbles. aggh! silly string!
mom!
let's do it!
starting tomorrow, i'm gonna up my glyco-load, use a denser ripping gel...
and now, its time for our fifty thousand dollar half-court shot. the winning fan is in section a,
the steering wheel is a giant onion ring!
they so consumed my life, i never had time for a proper haircut.
fudge!
slip and fall? can't go back to work? i'm larry h. lawyer, junior. and i will fight for you! i also habla español.
dad, i think this might be the work of satan.
homer, that was not very christian of you.
i can't believe you talked me into this.
bart, stop that!
it comes with a side of bacon.
why you little...!
homer, don't make things worse.
well, you need an expensive couch to watch an expensive tv.
i can relate. i'm a father myself. one day they're little shredders. and the next day they're grinding and gnashing their way to college.
shhh.
oh, steve. you're everything a girl could want. what's your secret?
try the new ribwich. it's so good you'll croak!
well, why don't we celebrate by going to a movie?
he replaced my tennis racket with a rubber phallus.
will you get out of my... look, about the ribwich. there aren't gonna be anymore -- the animal we made 'em from is now extinct.
lisa, honey you spelled the word wrong, but you did the right thing.
i need your advice. it's about a lady.
mm-hmm. i haven't felt this good since we stole the 2000 election.
i'm very happy for you, ned.
we've already been to room 915. we've already filled out form 1790.
i've been saying it for three weeks! but every time i open my mouth...
why don't you pound that sign into your own lawn?
that's jelly.
okay, paperclip, do your stuff. now we just need a distraction.
this is so romantic.
oh yes. i put myself through medical school dancing under the name "malcolm sex." i pleased the ladies by any means necessary. now, let's start with a full review of the theory of stripping. paleosexologists tell us that-- what the hell are you doing? homer, are you already oiled?
you see this watch? it's jammed with so many jewels, the hands can't move. what kind of watch do you have?
sounds good to me.
i didn't know mr. burns had an electric eel pond.
don't you get it? if you get rid of that bird, burns is at your mercy.
you bumbling fool, i keep telling you i'm looking for a patsy.
yes?
if you don't patch the leak in cooling tower two, you will go to jail.
dad, this just isn't working.
he's doing eighty years on an opium bust. i never saw a man take to a turkish prison so quickly.
y'see? this is the stuff mom won't do with me.
why did you say that? is your check gonna bounce?
pro or con?
thanks, mom.
turn it over, homer.
this awful. it's like listening to schubert's unfinished symphony!
you leave me sitting here all alone... ...while you play video games with your neanderthal friends. why don't you just stop playing? homer, i really don't want to feed you. video games and too much beer. you sure know how to show a girl a good time. tonight i learned the two of us can't work. james taylor. homie, remember that song we used to sing? mock...
huh? oh my god, i forgot all about this. where did you find it?
i'll fix you something.
dad, where are you going?
no. he's nobody! shut up, stuart!
thank you, homer. it's a pleasure cooking for you.
dad, your hands feel so soft.
he's gay. he's gay. gay. gay. bi. gay. gay for pay. gay.
now here's a song i wrote for you. a little ditty 'bout homer and marge / her heart was as big as his stomach was large / oh yeah, they say love goes on / long after the grilled cheese sandwich is gone.
hey, julio: ouch.
he's stable now. i'll leave you two alone.
hey homer, writing a new christmas carol?
f-l-a!
mass dismissed!
or we could go to walter gropius's bauhaus village?
sure. and when we do, your breakfast will be comped.
homie, i'm worried about how fast our kids are growing up.
you, homie.
actually, frank lloyd wright endured a lot of harsh criticism.
very nice. did you do the wiring yourself?
terrific stuff. you must really love the broadway musical "cats."
oh pilot, let's swing by... oh, heidelberg and drop in on oktoberfest.
but i miss him. he was my best friend.
it's good to have you back with the simpsons.
he woke you up when you stopped breathing last night.
well from now on, you need to get a cell phone so i can reach you.
i weep for you. these days, everything from fax machines to coffee makers can be plugged into your "dash hole."
get in here, boozy. you're late for your drunkening.
indeed. you take this teacher evaluation test. i'll proctor. read the directions silently as i read them aloud to you.
yeah, walking's made a new man out of you.
would we!
oh, you're really coming along, homie.
perhaps you feel that your husband sees you as less of a partner and more of a doormat.
i do, but the hour is over.
just kidding. here's one of my many classics.
what?!
here are some supervised activities we can all do together. future veterans of foreign wars, the 5-h club...
hey, lazy horse! find us something cool to do.
candy for sale! get your un-poisoned candy!
pound him, milhouse!
dad, the traffic's moving.
you could be my father figure.
well, can i at least give her this moe-bile? eh? eh?
well, it looks like maggie crawled through these bushes, spit up over here, and crashed her tricycle into the wall.
i don't think maggie wants you out of her life, moe.
dad, do you realize what you've done? you've created a world without death.
oh man, these seats suck.
sir, i'm honored to inform you that you've won the nobel prize.
why can't i tinker with the fabric of existence?
mom made the oops patrol! hot damn!
oh, relax. i'm sure it's just your brain going crazy.
yes'm.
oh.
well, now that i'm free, i intend to be a better mother to my son.
supplying false information on a national park register is a federal offense... which you've committed at every national park, from acadia to zion. you're going away for a long time, mrs. simpson. or should i call you... anita bong-hitt?
he's a big one!
then what was in the coffin?
i can't beat nelson.
no. i was being sincere.
but this is my dream.
uh-oh.
that sounds great -- but only if your father promises to behave.
i wouldn't dream of it, sir.
homie, i don't think we'll be able to find the kids from up here.
stop saying it!
dad, you rear-ended the queen of england!
if there's any love left in you for me, destroy him.
put out the fire first.
this is even worse than you think -- look!
all this attention! i feel like a secretary on administrative professionals day!
homie! what happened to you?
crying in the corner huh? mind if i join you?
now look here, mister. i forbid you to fight a bear.
screw that. when i grow up, i'm legally changing my name to joe kickass.
i don't know, but whoever's in there is taking their sweet old time.
we did -- homer took him. didn't you?
yeah, yeah, twins, i get it. now let's watch something i'm really interested in.
i eat legos.
oh, homie, you may have lost your show, but you went out in the classiest way possible. i'm proud of you.
hey, homer -- i'm your secret santa. merry christmas, big guy.
i'm sorry, but i'm afraid your card is only worth... everything i've got! everything! take it! oh no! i've smudged it with nacho fingers! i must deftly lick it off. deftly.
dad, i don't like the looks of this neighborhood.
i am not returnable. i will be testing my smoke alarm for the next three hours.
i'm sorry. pardon me, ma'am. i see you're expecting. may i listen to the baby's heartbeat? 
it's saturday, december sixth.
wow, a photo cube with pictures of us!
wha?
presents are material goods, and attachment to material goods kills the soul. i'm not going to jail again!
nine, ten, start over again. one, two, tie your shoe....
i try my best. they ridicule me. they mock everything i cherish.
i probably should have watched it first.
i said no!
hey, pally. i don't want to down-shift your enthusiasm, but that's a floor model. your bike is in here. i could put it together right now -- for a small assembly fee.
if you can't build a robot... be a robot!
...then knockahomer did three victory laps and pretended to drink a beer!
our robot can kick that robot's ass! right dad? dad?
you look a little sluggish out there, boy. i'd better open you up. dad?!
i'll tell you what gives, i'm afraid he is subject to isaac asimov's laws of robotics. with the sci-fi and the so many books, not too many good. my robot is programmed never to harm humans, you see, only to serve them.
yes, we're well-protected against every threat, from bomb-toting bolsheviks, to golden-armed jazzbos.
you work at the nuclear plant.
i know -- i got your message.
we're not paramedics!
well?
we're doomed.
the harpooned heart ii: thunder down under. chapter one. temperance barrows stared at the shrimp on the barbie...
huh?
jack ruby was a man, not a jewel.
just get out this door, rummy, and you're the city's problem. if you make it through the night, you're welcome back.
oh yeah, yeah. you know, number two and number four are an item now.
diamondelle?
you got your wife the earrings, man. why are you still doin' this?
all yours, homer.
yay!
maggie, we're not a mime school, so we can't take a non-talker, but here's some good news: the gap will always need sweater-folders.
go, maggie!
aw. buh. kkk. huh. oh. muh. eh. er.
maggie! press the red button!
i'm afraid your daughter is no longer welcome at our school. she's as common as an angry woman in an ibsen play.
mr. simpson, that movie is condemned by our church's movie guide.
dad, i don't like this movie. can we go home?
no we didn't.
well, i'm out of cash. but would you accept ninety-eight per cent of the outstanding shares of ziffcorp stock?
all right, i admit it. i did run ziffcorp into the ground. then this man took me into his home when no one else would. and now, as a result of his brilliant card playing he's the one you want! tape his mouth so he can't deny it!
oh dad, i missed you so much.
i'll write the letter.
we should do more together. you're my best friend, homie.
homie, to store the extra wine we bought, i made a little wine cellar.
did you guys get home at two last night?
eins, zwei, drei, beer!
i don't know what to believe anymore.
oh, thank god. you're finally fighting your demons.
i can't believe you did that to me.
really? even zima?
we've already got an informer working deep cover on your dad. one he'll never suspect.
welcome aboard. this end's for beating, this end's for holding.
why would bart escape if he's gonna be released in two weeks?
homie, what are you doing?
homer, lenny...my man... i could never lie to you guys. i'm starting to get cold feet. please don't tell anyone.
i think skinner might make a run for it -- he's eyeing the exits and doing calf stretches.
well...
i won't let edna throw her life away for some passionless marriage where two people lie in bed together with no contact, whittling away the batteries until they die.
the what now?
our marriage is just an illusion. he doesn't care how i feel at all. he doesn't know how to love.
i'm sorry sir, the computer says the movie "chocolate star wars" doesn't exist.
stupid kids ruin everything.
you know, if we were younger and crazier, we'd trade in these tickets and run off to miami!
yeah, i've never sat by a pool this long without having to apologize to someone.
homie, the waiter's still here.
you've been to space.
okay, farmer billy's slow-killed bacon, farmer billy's bacon-fed bacon, farmer billy's travel bacon... mr. simpson, if you really want to kill yourself, i also sell handguns.
of all the days for you to get a zit.
he was just trying to unload these crappy comics on a helpless kid.
pie -- popular pastry, tricky math thing, and now, sword of righteousness. a masked avenger has been giving springfield's scoundrels their just desserts.
dad, this is the basement. here's the iced tea i left down here this afternoon.
don't do it, homer! you made a promise to lisa!
in addition to working in your normal capacity at the plant, you will also serve as my personal hit man.
well, whoever he is, the pie man would never cave in to blackmail. now, on a different subject, kiss me hard.
c'mon, pie man, hit him! that's the only reason anyone came to this stupid thing!
now up, the case of simpson v. simpson.
let me get this straight. when you were my age, you had the hots for mom and didn't even know it? that's cool. or is it lame? i guess i'll go with lame. you're lame.
no, no, i'd best be on me way. i'll just take some teddy grahams for the road.
if you are who i think you are, that girl is gone and she never wants to see you again.
no, homer.
make mine calico!
but mom... tomorrow's the big donkey basketball game. the kids are gonna play the teachers! donkey basketball? now i've heard everything! unlike you!
look, what should i say to make people not hate me?
well, let's see, after they blindfolded us, it was left, right, left... then a three hour plane ride.
you guys are on after al franken, so the guards will have used up most of their bullets. make your break at the end of your act.
does everyone remember their swimming lessons?
i wish we could go back, but i don't think we're welcome there.
"postcard image, thing to see--" gotta go, sweetie! but i didn't read my poem!
what the...? dad! mr. burns cut our power -- now i can't print my paper!
liberal whacko, eh? any young beaux?
check out the willie world news: i review the new tractors. they're all shite!
homer, i can foretell people's deaths!
uh, sure thing, citizen.
homer, i am so mad at you! i'll bet you blew up the town just to get out of cleaning the garage!
bio-nauts assemble!
learning is cool!
relax, we're just looky-loos. we're only here to compare our lifestyle to our neighbors.
oh, homie... that's so thoughtful, but maybe we should hire a professional contractor.
i like-a to kiss.
i'm calling a contractor. thanks for taking the job. i'm sorry my husband is being so difficult.
oh my god! someone, somewhere says i'm better than someone else!
and lose her soul.
it's milhouse.
and then the woman...
nope, it's real -- check out the watermark.
it's not just the presents -- the kids don't appreciate me anymore. they'd rather hang out with their friends than with their mom.
nothing. like many women, i still have an unhealthy obsession with my weight.
homer, that was for the dog.
you're successful too, mom. you made a chore wheel that's both fair and wise.
i got the recipe for these in istanbul.
oh, mom, don't feel bad. everybody appreciates your... uh-oh, i'm late for my dinner... with chloe!
homer, we've gotta get lisa!
booo!
no harm done.
we're big fans, mr. gladwell.
hey, homer, how's retirement?
pathetic.
wheeee!
hm... what to do, what to do?
homer, i want you to get that gamma radiating what's-it out of my home!
you can't be serious.
homer, these are people you work with. show some restraint.
i've got a bad feeling about all of this.
you have defeated the doom-bot and sealed the portal. phobos is safe.
oh look, it is mr. homer, my favorite customer! please feel free to paw through my playdudes and tell me to go back to some country i am not actually from.
today mounties busted a major american drug smuggling ring. former u.s. astronaut homer simpson was taken into custody.
typical canadian wimpiness. that's why you have snowballs and we have the h bomb.
way to build equity!
o danny boy, the pipes the pipes are calling / from glen to glen and down the mountain side / the summer's gone and all the roses falling / 'tis you, 'tis you must go, and i must bide.
m631700000642j?! this is a new loan tracking number -- you got a new mortgage?
quit playing dumb.
homer, moe and i are just work friends. you and i are... marriage friends.
somethin' wrong, homer?
homie, i'm tired. i have to get up early to catch my flight.
just say you love me, marge. love me like i love you. please?
homie...
i used to love springfield park, but it's gotten so run down.
hey homer, do fries come with that shake?
i'll show myself out.
but first, the world of sports continues its downward march into the gutter.
no.
are you even listening to me?!
that was a good day too.
a little more color.
but you said i could go if i paid for the ticket!
we have kidnapped your son. follow instructions and bart will not be harmed.
a shirt from that rap concert... bart must've gone to the show. but that means...
wait, before we go, i took the liberty of making these embroidered conspiracy jackets for all of us.
i hope this bad publicity doesn't affect tourism.
well, all you can do now is wait for some other guys to turn.
a new epidemic is raging through springfield -- and this one didn't start with krustyburger's whatchamacarcass sandwich. i'm talking about an outbreak of marriage fever! reverend simpson...
very funny.
as opposed to you, who grabbed the first blimp that floated by.
i just can't believe my sister would keep me in the dark all these years, then expect complete acceptance on the day she gets married.
all right. darn thing's stuck. i'll give it a good yank... gnoooooo... mes!
no.
homer, would you be interested in the position of executive greeter?
see this? it's the bathroom key. see you in the morning.
what the hell's menopause?
wait till the drambuie and sleeping pills kick in.
okay, don't do it for her--
homer, no stop! you're thinking of buckingham palace!
homer, i do appreciate what you did. how'd you like a little time with "miss october"?
you may not believe this... but i once was a baby myself. my father was a ping-pong champion. he died when the ball got stuck in his throat. the heimlich maneuver was invented the very next day. my mother raised me alone, so i know it can be done. you may keep your baby. but you, drop the panda!
strokes?
i have a book from the library with the same information!
don't you think you've had enough "fun?" last year, you spent five thousand dollars on donuts, two thousand on scalp massages, five hundred on body glitter--
well i hope you enjoy it, your majesty -- 'cause i'm not speaking to you!
i've never loved you either. we use jokes to mask our pain at the death of our son. really.
you don't belong on the lawn. you belong in your bed with your wife!
you don't take anything seriously. not even your bankruptcy hearing!
look! runaway truck lane! we're saved! ah, rats.
dude, she seemed tense, so we put a little hashish in her meal.
guards! remove this coked-out man balloon from my sight!
now, now, there are perks. a private cell, extra dessert... and this adorable little hat.
ooh, a tiffany's box! and the thing inside is from tiffany's! homie, you've never done this before. how'd you afford it?
kill the rat. kill the rat. kill the rat. kill the rat. kill the rat. kill the rat. kill the rat. kill the rat. kill the rat.
i'll have you know i buy the finest cuts of beef.
when i was a kid we didn't show our affection by head-butting.
you mean get beaten up by him?
this ain't for you, sweat stain. it's a surprise party for lenny, thrown by his closest friends.
welcome to knockers, hon. let me know if you see anything you like. read the sign, pre-vert.
beats me -- i'm no marriage counselor. just a licensed and bonded roofer.
it means you have to fix the roof!
that's what i like about you, homer. everything impresses you.
you're drooling on my goodwill pile! and why is the hole in the roof even bigger?
hey, i'm real sorry i never made it back yesterday. i hope we're still friends?
ray's not coming!
struggle all you want, homer. there's nothing you can do. excuse us for a moment.
and here's the clincher... ray magini is an anagram for "imaginary."
do you see anyone here who isn't here?
check and mate.
hey, i'm just sayin', catch it while you still can.
no, television. mondays at nine. on cbs.
cbs.
cbs.
i think he's having a heart attack!
i hate when they're over. even on the nose hurts!
how much is costed for stay-night-of-one?
when i raged against the machine, money poured out.
we got a long drive ahead. you wanna pull off into a motel? we'll split a room.
i smelled it, it has to be eaten.
maybe we could shop somewhere else. there's a farm stand next door.
why? just because she sings like whitney houston brought to life?
but your song said you liked springfield.
that's cameron. girls go crazy over him. he's cute, unthreatening, and his smile brought a puppy back to life.
but dad, you don't need to help me by humiliating people.
hell, i'll even go shoe shopping.
dad, i don't want things to be awful between us. i made you some cookies.
dad, you sabotaged cameron for me!
leave your body, seymour. leave your body.
sweetie, don't worry. god wouldn't spring the rapture on us unannounced. he'd send us signs, like, i don't know, all the dogs getting on a spaceship and leaving.
and would you like to take advantage of our "friends of flanders" discount?
i see. well, we have thirty seconds left -- any other cuckoo yip yap?
well, well, well, looks like someone's having a pre-rapture party.
there appears to be some delay!
we're not going anywhere, except to bed!
you know you could wish for some.
squandered my gift? i made sixty-eight albums.
the warren harding through-hole never seemed so long.
oh, sorry, but i promised to rewind videotapes for the poor.
mom, i don't wanna read -- it's the weekend!
it's happening in ned's house! why would he allow that?
don't say it, homer. this is not the time.
damn straight. clay roberts. i coach wrestling, so everyone calls me coach.
chop shop! chop shop!
well, that is true. in fact--
bart, i love you. but sometimes i don't love your choices. now we have to find another school for you.
my pacemaker!
¡que buenos cake-os de pan-o!
i'll admit the vow of celibacy is one of our sterner challenges.
homer, you've been out all night! and you look like you've accepted someone as your personal something. were you at that catholic church?!
oh, we've gotta stop 'em now! once they seal the deal, there's no turning back. like the jews with their snippity-snip.
we got a real nail-biter here at mile-high stadium, the broncos down by one, and thirty seconds left on the clock.
dad, it's a scam!
well, i got these free tickets to santa's village. i know a guy who turns the dead sleigh-horses into jerky and sells it to bars...
homer, how'd you ever get marge to go along with this?
i don't know.
all we've got is ketchup.
hey, homer.
can we say it's my birthday and get free stuff?
what am i supposed to do, bury them at arlington?
i've found a place where i'm needed.
saving!
homer, are you okay? how many fingers am i holding up?
don't you have to be back at work?
we have to stop all this construction. the noise is jiggling my grapes to the bottom of the jell-o.
tonight i want you to really try to sleep in your own bed, because... homer, stop that!
oh, yeah. living next to the stamp museum is making me a mint. i bought a diamond for my bellybutton! you guys need water?
is it the chair?
what about bart's bedroom?
four thousand dollars?!
heal my scabs, lord!
hey homer, why the sour puss? didja chugalug a skunky snapple?
...normally i'm not one to laugh at a man's urinary blockage, but, you shoulda seen it... oh, there he is.
you sit in this oatmeal awhile, and it'll send your itchies packing! homer!
never mind about those two. just answer me one question. how did your wife's bra end up in my husband's bed?
no, no, no!
so, i got your note saying you wanted to meet here to apologize.
homer!
david is so helpful...
what are you talking about?
i'll call work and tell them he can't make it.
staying out eighteen hours and not calling home once.
a bicycle built for two! and i could be one of those two! homie, if i buy a bicycle built for two, will you ride with me?
homer, how'd your right arm get so strong?
oh, well, we're off to buy a new tea set. have fun!
yeah, he only lost once: in his fight against illiteracy.
mid-june?
oh captain, you're so handy!
you what?!
mr. simpson, lisa is at a crucial juncture. if she doesn't see her father as a positive role model, she could hate men for the rest of her life.
a metal bar at tooth level.
springfield needs a hero and it needs one now!
dad, we've got to do something.
uh, what special powers would a salamander bring to the office of mayor?
have you cleaned that suit once since you got it?
well, dad, you tried to make this town a better place. and no matter what, that makes you my hero.
tea? in the parlor?
i'm going out for some air.
try to take my eggs will you? well, this rooster has a beak! a beak which calls out death-a-doodle-doo! why... you're all women!
yes, i need you to pick up my car at the factory in italy, and ship it directly back to me. i'll save thousands in taxes!
gee, i wish we could explore a little more of italy.
that's a dvd of a fellini movie!
ehhh... americano?
well... i experimented in college, as one does.
i feel so sick.
dad, the phantom isn't in this.
i wanted you to tip me!
i knew you'd forget, so my gift to you is a gift for you to give me.
no, actually i salvage valuables from sunken ships. some call me a treasure hunter.
viewers? wouldn't that be for a tv station?
i was busy telling young people to get a haircut.
grab daddy's keys! i love that little guy... what the... hey...
i love you too, homer. and now there's something i've gotta tell you: i really am your father.
it's the only place cruel enough to straighten bart out. they use a proven concept, "tough hate", to turn around foul-mouthed hooligans. then they send them home, quietly ticking away.
well homer, looks like i can't go to discipline camp. which is too bad, 'cause i think this was the thing that would finally straighten me out.
actually, justin and i are going to the oregon shakespeare festival. sir peter hall himself is directing.
how 'bout if i just shoved a pig down your throat? i'm kidding.
don't worry, mr. simpson. we're gonna take his "sass" and turn it into "siss."
actually, we were gonna call you, mr. simpson. your credit card was declined.
big blue pants. when you no longer care if you're attractive to women.
well, it creeps me out! wow, it glows in the dark.
"local anahoopi indians believed this stalactite was the finger of tsisnajini, their god of pointing down."
sure. once upon a time, in a far-off kingdom--
hey bar-boy, write a play where i meet henry ford and captain kirk.
that was the most horrible part of all!
and the winner is--
homer! we're not in high school.
uh... sure.
where's bart? i haven't seen him since you came home.
whee. whee.
i'm not wearing a hat!
wow, there's a rainbow outside.
now i really hope we win that contest.
oh, about enough to buy a new plasma tv.
i got my tenure right here.
oh, you needn't worry. i'm a bit of an elbow man, myself, actually. a bit different, a bit weird. not sexual.
now homer, would you care to give your report on "c.s.i. miami?"
about a class of remedial reading students and their teacher who wants to be taken seriously.
that's right! the springfield meltdowns football club shall never be!
before we begin the movie, please join me in a moment of silence for the workers who gave their lives in an heroic --
attention: india air flight fifty-seven. now boarding first class, small children and fat guys.
no.
simpson, i don't know how you're doing it, but you're outputting ten times the power our american plant ever did.
homie, stop! you're not a god!
when is our food gonna get here? i'm starved.
good sir, i do not approve of your fleshly gaze.
stop callin' it that!
who else has a story?
homer, what should we do?
all this hoo-haw about girls and math is silly. women are as smart as men. why, a woman invented liquid paper.
you never take our kids to the movies.
i have a delivery for a scott and brenda weingarten, seventy-four evergreen terrace.
homer, this says i've won homemaker magazine's "clean for a day" contest! "a highly skilled professional will come to your home, and clean it top to bottom while you relax." but how could i have won? i don't subscribe to this periodical.
wha--?!
it hurts when i swallow.
i'm sorry. you seem like... a colorful character, but i just don't remember you.
mr. simpson?
i'm sorry you have to leave. but i just can't think of another way.
who the hell are you?
oh, i don't...
wow, she still works here?
sorry, loom-wads, new exhibit's in town.
you're leavin' already? we, we haven't even gotten in yet.
homer, please.
that was two seasons ago!
for the last time, no!
homie, i don't think our marriage is so jim dandy that we should be counseling others.
well, i'm positively sick of her shakin' her lady parts for the whole world to eyeball.
you make me laugh, homer.
listen, these shows always tense me up. while your fingers are greasy, could you give me a neck rub?
listen, bub. we are out of the marriage counseling business. and the only one you should be giving chicken grease neck rubs to is me. but not me, 'cause i think they're disgusting.
actually, you can really keep costs down when you don't pay for materials or labor... or permits... or land.
homer, our house is on fire! help me save the children!
homer, the mob is puttin' the screws on me, see. i ain't gettin' killed 'cause you won't pay your tab. now give me fifty bucks!
bart... mr. simpson. we are getting out of the mob business, right now.
class all the way.
i thought you wanted me to drum!
i guess that's it. these animals are all gonna die.
you are not bringing that thing home.
don't you have any follow-through on anything?
yes, but you're holding your hammer backwards.
homie... i think you're taking a little too much credit for my work. i mean, look at your t-shirt!
so what? he's paying us fifty grand.
ooooooooooooooooooooh!
that almost tore my head off!
is that the cat?
homer, i need to talk to you.
dad, you're eating dr. phil!
we interrupt this dance music from the meridian room in capitol city's fabulous hotel hitler, to bring you a special bulletin.
what?! homer! our son joined the army!
we have this issue of parade magazine.
okay, listen up!
so they're not shipping you overseas?
okay.
hustle your bustles, gang! we're going to the senior olympics to root for grampa!
moe, these fragments are fascinating. "i was in the christmas pageant once. mom showed up with a new boyfriend. he called me steve." what you've got here is poetry!
you guys go ahead. i don't think i'd be very good company...
oh, in that case...
you must be homer.
eh, what the hell.
i'm glad someone in this house feels their life has meaning.
you can't go to work! i need you here for emotional support -- plus you make a small crowd look huge!
well, homer, you destroyed my artwork and my dreams. good job. very thorough.
they will be! ready, bullies? homer, you wanted a sign that i still love you, so here it is.
dad, don't make me go! i'll give you a back rub!
angelica button and the dragon king's trundle bed. it's the ninth book in the "angelica button" series.
just take a peek at the title of the next chapter and see if you can resist.
and now, to go on living! 
awwww!
well, i figured since you invited me to stay, i might as well go down to the bus locker and get my stuff.
well, i got something...a spider bite. or as i like to call it, a "christmas kiss."
and that's why i have trouble saying "no" to people -- even gil!
aw geez... boy, i was... well, i'm still a winner. as long as i've got a cup-a coffee and a tomorrow on the calendar, ol' gil's comin' back. say homer, how 'bout closin' up that robe? i'm seeing the whole butcher shop.
whoa, gil's a big shot!
i make it nice and sticky, heh?
homer, this is wonderful. where are the kids?
none. just a few slarg fish.
oh homie, i'm so worried. but if i concentrate, our love is so strong, i know i can hear your thoughts.
not yet.
you're not!
papa, may we have petit fours?
now get some sleep -- you've got a nine a.m. rat helmet.
but you can escape -- and use this map to retrieve my buried treasure. with it, you can have your revenge!
homer, you're back!
weren't you listening? i just told you a whole story about revenge.
you should feel lucky. not many boys have parents who can afford to take them to the opera every night.
what the?! two?! you think there are two?! well, i never, how could-- why do you think it is that mankind is so inclined towards hatin' one another?
uh, thank you and goodnight. show's over, let's go!
this sucks! i can't do anything fun, 'cause i'm doing so many stupid errands! shut up, shut up, shut up!
okay, we can trace where the kids are by the charges they made on your card. in colorado, they charged two hundred dollars worth of bubble gum.
you know, for a while, i was kinda looking forward to bein' a dad.
can i use it on fish and chips?
i have some footage to show you.
why do i have to go to a stupid psychiatrist? i told a scary story, big deal.
under the new law, you have to pay your creditors everything.
grampa's driving me crazy!
yeah, i know who i was kissing, and i also know why! i'm a little shaky on when and where, but i got my theories!
look, if you wanna break up your father and selma, i have a plan. but it involves you.
well, nerts to both of ya! our love is so strong, not even a thousand crazy schemes could tear it apart!
happy birthday dear homer / happy birthday to you!
okay, everyone gets to put one precious item in our fireproof safe. for me, it's the family photo album.
this is a celebrity scandal! we could sell that photo to a tabloid. and they pay big money for photos.
paparazzi?! get lost, ya parasite!
i was talking about your baby.
terrific. outstanding! this has page one written all over it. what the hell did you do that for?
no! should i attach it for you?
uh here, use this one. i was gonna use it to take secret photos in the ladies' turlet. but no dames ever come in this joint!
homer, you've met my parents.
you don't even know the rules! this could be my new thing, and you're turning it into a joke!
that is an outrage! your daughter's been floppin' all day!
it was just a game. a game i used to enjoy before you mommed all over it.
not interested.
not at all!
are you sleeping in the middle of my department store?
aw, hey that's the guy what created him! if homer had used some protection, we'd all be poopin' roses on easy street!
homer, please! they can hear you in fine china!
if you let us have your mattress, we'll give you ours.
i'm starting to feel funny about doing this.
you really wanna make love on half a mattress behind a billboard?
it was you.
why am i sleeping when right next door is every boy's dream: a fat, suggestible zombie dad. hey zombie -- wanna come out and play?
that's just someone barbecuing.
of all the nerve.
uh, well, your building will be fine, but unfortunately a lot of your merchandise was completely vaporized: high-end stereo equipment, size ten men's shoes...
you're nothing but a diabolical master thief. the kind that haunts the slopes of san moritz or the casinos of monte carlo.
ooh, look! pine-cone first ladies!
i just meant we should split up to get out of this corn maze.
santa's little helper would be an awesome police dog! can he, dad? can he?
oh, no problem, pally -- our pythons cost five dollars a foot.
what about the fat guy?
raisin cake! who wants raisin cake? don't worry, it's not too moist!
oh, my special little guy. i'm so glad you're okay.
yeah, bart.
well let's just get started.
don't you love that clean-mouth feeling?
dad!
okay, "smallville"... super dog licks himself. that definitely goes in the naughty pile! sixty minutes -- morley safer has questionable pants fold -- "the l word" -- used the "l" word. and now to peruse the local news!
and you're constantly flouting the law.
i guess there's just no place for truth and bravery in today's media.
i'll pick you up at five tomorrow. and i'll pick you up right now. got it!
now, why don't you listen to the musical stylings of mr. lionel richie.
while you were here, we felt like new york!
that's where you're wrong, homer.
no. okay, now i just want you to do what you normally do.
i want you to wear those bowling shoes out the door and everywhere you go. it's crazy, but it just might work.
you here for the safety inspector job?
i'm so proud of you, dad!
security! security!
well, anything for a fellow marine.
homie, what are you doing? you don't know how to fly!
homer, you did it! you landed a jet!
well, where should we go for brunch? griddler on the roof? thank god it's fried eggs? luftwaffle's? bodacious frittatas? buffet the hunger slayer?
hi... you!
would you like to be a pallbearer?
you know, homer, your singing could help alleviate patient suffering, and save us a fortune in demerol.
rodolfo, perchè siete che vi trovate giù?
the dance isn't till next week.
like this...?
i want you to stop flirting with women.
that's a great idea! to celebrate, i'll go whip us up some chex mix pie.
yes?
shout!
i sold it all to teenagers. there is a rumor you can mix milk, mentos and lotto scrapings to make jetpack fuel.
my boss? i don't think my boss has a problem with anything i do.
the cars i tow. i got all kinds a names for 'em: she-atas, hebrew canoes, spam cans, swedish speedballs, and of course, stretch lame-os.
no problem.
huh?
top of the mornin', tow-mer!
we're just like you -- tow truck drivers who got greedy.
oh, that's great. / great story...
point zero eight sober.
don't worry about me. i was voted america's least funny clown. worse than scuzzo, scummo, oopsie, carlos mencia, stinko, blumpy... even worse than sergeant serious! how could i do worse than him?! i stole all his jokes!
you see, the problem is, we've grown apart.
you just can't get russian gangster blood out. must be something they eat.
i told you twenty times! you never listen!
it sounded like you were.
kodos the destroyer!
actually, i'm still alive, so technically it's vivisection.
cool.
you really don't know, do you?
stop naming things!
oh homie, i'd forgotten that beautiful song you wrote for me.
my wife invented "skypills." she uh, mixed vitamins with alka-seltzer and pretended it was medicine.
oh, you don't want to hear about my boring old day.
homer, i'm gonna let you in on a secret. i'm a first husband. i used to look like this.
mr. simpson, let me outline the gastric bypass surgery procedure for you. okay? we put a band around your stomach so that no solid food may enter. you see? just like so... it's a very, very serious operation. you should only undergo it as a last resort.
you remembered i like romance!
whoa! those buns are poppin' fresh!
okay.
big special on camcorders!
oh tivo remote, you've changed my life. i've gotten so much accomplished: i saved "lost", watched all of "rome" in a day, and got through "two and a half men" in two and a half minutes. then i ran out of space and had to choose between "sophie's choice" and "schindler's list."
there aren't any tables or chairs.
i'm wes doobner.
feet? killing?! we gotta save bart!
his father is a doctor...
you're too late, simpsons!
you don't remember, huh? there was a domestic disturbance at your address yesterday.
wait, i know someone who can help ya -- a doctor who helps people dig up old memories.
ah, my first christmas. such great chinese food.
yo, homer! can you take me to when you were ten to see if i can kick your butt?
hey, what's going on here?!
oh homer, i didn't want you to find out this way. we were planning a surprise party for you.
geez, homer, i can't believe your plan actually worked.
aren't you going to drink?
thank you!
opinions about the ads.
stop all this pandering!
lisa, i'm sure this wiggum-arole will blow over -- you have to have faith in the wisdom of the average voter.
hey, parents are allowed to keep some secrets.
well that professor did teach me one good lesson -- homie is where my heart is.
nothin'.
no.
did you just unlock the car from here?
homer, did you know i used to weigh four hundred pounds?
searching for evidence. i know your father's cheating on his diet.
homer jay simpson!
oh. oh.
step into our jerkatorium. what the?!
homer, you ate their jerky.
oh homie, i've been so happy lately. i'm completely fulfilled, both as a mother and a fan of youth ballet! now what did you want to say to me?
is it bart?
it's night?!
shh! i'm more wanted than the last petal on a bloomin' onion.
aww, well, you don't need a t-shirt for that, tootsie pop. 'cause i ain't ever gonna leave you again.
i'm really worried about lurleen.
but wikipedia said he was passionate about rehearsal.
i'll get your fabrics!
you brought us here to beg?
dad, no! my movie got in! i'm going to the sundance film festival!
this is it! my premiere!
i'm sorry. you're too late. i have just hit enter, sending the wi-fi beams along their way.
wow -- this guy could put milhouse out of business.
yo we're rockin' out balls / tub of tard. / crapper clogger. / fatty-watty.
hello, homer.
you already ate the whole thing.
i'm still with you, son.
yes, i will.
it's not really avenging her, dad. just the fulfillment of her last wish.
you're not supposed to like it!
well, maybe she'll like it better filled with dying trees and mutated animals.
homie?
yeah, well, we're adding clowns.
slide in the eighteen sixty-three confederate half-dime... and every slot is full.
five hundred.
now, let's put it on a shelf and never look at it again.
then you gotta deal with me. the name's wolf and i'm a bounty hunter. if someone skips bail i track 'em down and bring 'em back. i also take a tooth, make a plaster cast, put it on this necklace then replace the tooth at my expense. well, time to go back to my world of sleazy bars, tattoo parlors, and greasy spoons.
now i can clearly see potential customers walk right past my store. enjoy your shopping elsewhere!
homer, can we take it easy on the taser?
dad, is this from a meth lab?
homer, i don't think we have the same musical tastes.
oh, kitten whiskers!
oh no! those were for mr. smithers' commitment ceremony!
lucky guess.
simpson, we're gonna put you away for a long, long time.
what are you two doing in the laundry room?
are we ever going to find him?
mr. homer, why don't you forget your worries with this -- the last lottery ticket on the roll. they say the last one is lucky! unlike all the others. lucky! or not.
oh cheer up, homer. the drinks are on lenny.
hm, i don't know. i'm pretty attached to my family, and...
maybe he's going through... certain changes.
your favorite, sir. hot fudge sundae with gold leaf and diamond flakes.
put 'er there, muddy buddy.
i can't believe homer ruined another family picnic.
we'll stay for one hand roll or two nigiri -- then we have to get back to the kids!
well then, would you like to limbo?
they're worse than wal-king!
goodnight, marge. sweet dreams, my new best friend. oh, what better way to celebrate our wedding night than by keeping an unmarried couple apart? aw, maude. your dead grandmother's pajamas. you know what that does to me.
why do married women always have husbands?
homie, what's taking so long?
i can't believe one of the most beautiful moments in our marriage is based on lies!
you make me feel that way too.
i know. we had a fight, we were both tempted... we're human. the important thing is, we love each other.
any of you lugs wanna break up with my boyfriend for me? i'll buy you a beer!
is lenny here?
that's one of your breakup lines! what would have happened if there was someone who could break us up every time i had my doubts about you?
agreed. so, who are you gonna bet on?
in my young life i've seen that every time i'm about to achieve true happiness, some little piece of me says "you don't deserve this." and another little piece says "i agree."
you got highlights in your hair!
she may never take back your name, but there's still a chance she'll take you back as a daddy.
you should ask yourself, "what can i do for it?"
you know, bart never told me he had a handsome teenage brother.
we met while studying at jordan university of science and technology.
you're teaching bart a terrible lesson of intolerance!
but i love blowing up buildings.
homer? i don't hear almond grinding!
fortune four lotto numbers are: nine...
honey?
never being a grandmother?
okay, okay! don't know why i had 'em in the first place.
wow, this must be important, dad! i've never seen you walk up an incline before.
he found several undiscovered plot twists in "the client." and he proved that the real villain in "a time to kill" is the legal system itself.
homer!
that's chewing gum.
a "castle"... i know where they are!
so you're saying he'll look like you in ten days?
he looks happy.
got 'em from a buddy of mine with a store in shelbyville. you want his number?
california casual or business attire?
homer simpson.
no other foursome would have me. my legs gross people out.
very well. it's a fact i didn't like you, simpson. still don't.
homie, please, nothing good will come of this.
homer simpson! i was gonna let you get to fifth base! it would've been something you told your grandchildren about!
tell me, what student government office do you hold? secretary? treasurer? dare i say secretary-treasurer?
oh really?
how 'bout italian?
oh homie, the insurance bill is due today. can you make sure to mail it?
i don't want anyone to ever get hurt.
no, sweetie. at this point in a marriage, a wife should know what her husband can do and what he can't. who was i to think you could mail an envelope?
i noticed.
i think we should go see our mortgage broker.
she is. look.
homie, the faucet won't stop leaking.
well, here's how you get back at flanders: you go to the media and get them to expose what a horrible person he really is.
it's not funny! that's how i swear!
hm, i wonder if it's theses.
we know, dad. we were there.
it's okay if you backslide a little.
now simpsons, i must warn you -- any stress could increase the blood pressure in marge's eyeballs, leading to what we call "tex avery syndrome."
sir, our mission is quite clear. any child left here will be cared for by the sisters of st. teresa. why would you leave such a beautiful baby on our doorstep?
maybe i'm just being selfish. i don't know.
getting a back rub from an orgasm.
one of us should go look at it.
everyone got jobs, that's what happened.
that takes care of my next one. never heard of half this stuff! this brandy is fifty years old. better toss it.
no, it's how you fly coach on delta now.
oh son, you know how i love a good analogy.
this isn't the most romantic place to get married.
that's for a child's birthday. we're going to get this one.
because their r.s.v.p. cards arrived one day after the deadline!
...fun with fire ants?
just what i always wanted.
now stay tuned for "picking the perfect apple," it's already in progress.
can you at least bring a sweater for maggie?
dad, do you have any idea what's gotten into maggie?
okay, no more delays. i've got to watch this.
just wait.
maybe we should just check out the street performers.
now homer, how would you like me to remove it -- yanky or peely? got it.
dad, i've got the perfect thing.
what? no!
albany! annapolis atlanta! augusta! austin! baton rouge! bismarck! boise! boston! capital city! carson city!
noah. i like that name. no-ahhh. noah. noah!
dad, if i join a clique, i'll be the kind of person i hate.
dad, i don't want to hurt people's feelings.
hmm, that would be westminster abbey.
homer, don't give up till you finish my dear abbey.
these days, man knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
not if you use a dimmer switch.
look at this: springfield elementary's rating is so low, it's more than two standard deviations below the norm.
in the ethiopian restaurant at the end of the block.
you just have to stay there until that psychopathic school inspector makes a surprise visit. you can come home when the heat's off.
definitely a cup.
and i've got a present for you, but you'll have to wait till we're back at the apartment.
without me?
get a room!
i think mel would be happier as an understudy. a six-feet-understudy.
that's "bye-bye birdie"!
"in last night's 'macbeth,' the best performance was barney gumbel as duncan, followed by duffman as macduff, lenny leonard as lennox, eddie and lou as the two soldiers without lines, then last and least, the lead, homer simpson."
don't you latté-sipping leeches understand? i've seen enough of these hollywood super-hunks -- we need a dumpy, unappealing loser -- an everyman!
dr. hibbert found out my thyroid isn't pumping out enough--
homer, do you know why you eat?
no.
awesome performance, homer. i smell oscar. oscar! take a shower! or a tomato bath, or something. please!
avery, i swear, you're the only man in gothamopolis who's never seen everyman.
homeboy! what happened, dude? you went from everyman to everywhereman.
though legislation was passed to insure everyman was never seen on screens again, he remains in the hearts of every man, woman and child looking for justice. or just hoping to see bad people beaten up.
listen... i was thinking...if someone did a really bad thing to one teacher... and then did the same bad thing to another teacher to get the first teacher her job back, would it be okay?
stupid romans.
what the? chocolate, whipped cream... cherries! she got to you! with a piece of black forest cake!
or kick the crap out of you.
well let's go, "marge." my class reunion starts in an hour.
i'm glad you asked, kent. we start with grade a beef, feed that to other cows, then kill them and serve the unholy results on a seven-grain bun. burger squared!
oh my god. if bart could eat the burger and survive, then maybe he can yield the key to an anti-muncher vaccine!
ow! ow! ow! ow! quit it. ow! quit it.
that uh, that's me. i've been taking ventriloquism lessons.
definitely hands-off. he didn't mind if we punched in a little late, or not at all...
that'll do, homer.
who am i kidding?
well, i brought a few items to make our night extra-special. massage oil... some lingerie from "the horny hubby"... and "snuggle" dice. this one has an action, and this one has a body part. see? nuzzle... neck. with pleasure!
you know homer, when i was your age, it was the future, "cause i'm younger than you. just something to think about.
homie, you're back!
bonk it! bonk it. bonnnnk it...
things said in the circle have a surprising way of coming true.
hello everybody, welcome to "under the wrapper!" where i, huell howser, apply the art of detection to your favorite confections! now, here's some opening titles to sweeten the deal. hey! ow! wow. now, we've seen how cookies crumble and soda gets its pop, so let's take a close up look at america's favorite drop -- the gumdrop!
you never told me how my body works.
which position should we try? the yawning monkey? "the pair of tongs?"
you're gonna be seeing a lot of him around the house.
well, i'll tell you, you may both agree, but folksingers never say take it naked bacon.
top of the mornin', homer. seen the paper?
well, well, well -- look who decided to visit me twice in one year. this man's more of a son to me than you've ever been.
maybe you're not really mad at grampa. maybe you're mad at yourself for taking him for granted all these years.
well, at least you never tried to kill me.
hey, don't listen to me! what do i know about rainbows?!
hell no.
you like potato...
can i just ask, who the hell says potato?
thank you, come again. who's next? hello
oh thank god you're okay!
that's not the money tree.
there's money in this tree. what the hell is going on?
yes, homer?
oh yeah? if you don't keep splashing the cash, i'm gonna tell mom that it's thanks to you she made the first bad wedding toast ever.
homer! i need you to rickshaw me to soccer practice!
we've got a million dollars?! screw the toast!
homer, you don't look fat.
this isn't fair! i want romance!
maybe you'd like to give it a try?
homie! we're going to vancouver!
well, no matter what you do, it won't make up for sir slip-a-lot over there.
no, this can't be right. they're all horrible!
very good, bart.
you're a liar!
i'm french, not you.
wow, how does this show stay so fresh?
let's have lunch at "crouching tiger hidden eggroll."
you were never going to apologize!
dad, i know you're gonna say no, but mom would say...
nope.
and i'm taking all the exciting colors out of your crayons!
but i need to talk about man stuff!
and it means the world to me.
duly noted. but we will make sure not to dilute the sacred gospel. mouse pad! double click! skyyype! uh, skyyype! matthew twenty-three: "then spake jesus to the multitude, and to his disciples, saying--"
true enough.
homer, could you at least turn the camera off?
sad. sad. never gonna happen. sad. maybe, if you were brad pitt.
you come all the way to jerusalem -- the happiest place on earth -- and all the photos in your camera are of funny soda pops?!
rise and listen, my child...yours is a great destiny.
hmm... dad said he was going to "unite all faiths." and only one site is sacred to muslims, christians and jews -- the dome of the rock!
i'd like that.
homer, that's a sixty thousand dollar bottle!
yes! enjoy!
dad, before you jump to conclusions...
man, smithers is workin' us like dogs!
so, sweetie. this community service detail should end around five. you wanna go to that seafood place? ah, yeah, you got your book club again. man, that thing sure meets a lot. hey, you know, i've read that book... maybe i could come and... oh right, right, right. not enough chairs. yeah. well, i'll probably be asleep in front of the fridge when you get home. bye. well, well, well, the community service detail. you people make me sick. hey, whatcha packin', simpson?
all right, that's it for today. uh simpson, hold on a sec. um... you wanna uh... uh, i don't know, get a beer sometime, uh...
hey homer, hand me my coffee.
ever worry the sun's not going to come back after it goes down at night?
no, no. you do what you have to do. live your life. which i saved.
any idea where he might be?
hot cocoa?
dad! i found what you're looking for!
dad, you are leading the way in clean energy.
dad, if we're really off the grid, then we won't get power when the air is still.
we're gonna go check out the wind damage!
homie, i happened to read about beached whales in springfield geographic. it usually does not end well. we can't let lisa get her hopes up.
not perfect?! you can say that again.
did you know that over forty million sharks are slaughtered every year to make shark-fin soup?
thanks for not letting me give up, dad.
i've had better. down at the train station.
mm-hmm! now i'm gonna go tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk till you give the money back. tsk, tsk, tsk.
de-meat those feet!
that's the worst sin of all for some reason! what can i do to make things right?
why do i waste my breath?
homer? i'm-- you!
knock-a-doodle-you!
except setting off car alarms with his big fat footsteps.
well, how can you be so sure your wife is not the putty in the bartender's hands?
what do you think?
homer, no!
i'll prove i'm telling the truth! bob has huge feet, right? well, look!
taco.
just call me barf simpson.
we can enjoy each others' company.
hey man, can you settle a bet? what was the greatest x.f.l. team that never won a championship?
quiet! it's time for the noblest nobel prize of all: the peace prize.
you are not in oslo. you are in holland... specifically, the hague!
i just want to see the look on your faces when i share with you the fruits of a lifetime of labor.
homer! take me home!
did you find a mouse head in your cuppa-soup?
people like you?
here's my uniform, since i won't be needing it any more!
brother bear said "sister bear is inconsiderate."
homie, help him up!
that is so sweet!
oh roger, would you hand me the suntan oil?
don't you "pal" me. why did you try to kill me?!
edmund's almost here, so please nobody be themselves!
too late. the bloodlust is upon me.
dad, i think maggie's just sad 'cause her set is missing "baby must-have."
oh homie, maybe we should call it a day.
what could've happened? dad, can i talk to you for a second?
what's so wrong with me?
mom, please don't.
i'm so glad you two are friends again.
the truth is... i'm dying.
dad, you're gonna wreck him for everybody!
you said it was boston.
hey homer, you ever think about racing that bird?
nooooo!
homie, why don't you study these?
it wasn't really a lot of chitchat.
you mean your gingerbread mcmansion.
it still could be. you just have to go down to the recruiting station and--
we brought you breakfast in bed!
wait, what's this? carpetbags and portmanteaus? going somewhere, simpson?
let's just take it easy. we all made mistakes on new year's eve. there is only one upside to today.
mild obscenity before ten a.m. also illegal.
homer simpson, you are hereby sentenced to ten years in the federal penitentiary!
we're gonna plant you in fat tony's gang as an undercover informant.
you do know the meat is made from diseased pigeons.
don't worry. we're not gonna touch you. we'll make it sound like a beating by tenderizing these steaks.
my beloved anna maria. i hope heaven's powder room is painted that eggshell blue you could never achieve on earth.
nicky, welcome to the family. from now on, you don't know where you end and we begin. your problems are our problems.
closer...
homer, i just want to say that of all the rat bastards we've had working for us, you were the snitchiest.
wake up, homer.
homer, it is time... to switch your elliptical machine to cool-down mode.
it's all yours.
oh, and homie, can you come home early from work tomorrow so i can have a girls' night out?
we're not naked.
yeah, they think they're better than us just because their performance reviews reflect that fact.
you know, this is the first time i've ever been at moe's without that little voice in the back of my head saying "this is not a safe place to drink."
what is this crap? are you wearing a wire?
there's nothing sexier than a man being a good dad. whoa!
yes they were! but now they won't be! because i don't have a mini-bike!
i love visiting you at work, dad.
dad!
homer! we only have five minutes until the school bus comes.
"jumping on the grenade:" the wingman engages the less attractive friend, isolating the target.
i just ordered this bottomless pitcher of beer and circumference-less platter of nachos.
oh.
i'm bored.
don't thank me, thank hollywood for being completely out of good ideas.
thanks for coming out -- one announcement: the voice of angry dad will be on a speakerphone today.
'old on -- i'm 'earing my 'etainer. angry dad got an oscar nomination?! i'm going to the os-cars! not as a seat fill-er! i'll get a gift bas-ket! but i won't de-clare it!
yes! this is it... i finally get to accept an award for my movie...except it's not just my movie. it was my sister's idea to make this into a short. and so many animators... every day was somebody's birthday. and you know what? it was my dad's movie too. i only wish he were here and not at cerritos auto square.
dad, is there anything unusual in grampa's coffee?
jawohl! i've isolated the molecule!
at least no one else has taken this drug. bart, why are you tugging on your collar?
...the queen will be held without bail, until the sample is returned from the lab. and now, it's time for "that's kent-ertainment!" here's a story that gives new meaning to the words "puff piece:" springfield natives cheech and chong are returning in triumph for a reunion show!
we don't have any dope.
no man, i'm dave. d-a-v-e!
there is no dave.
that's funny, homer. now we really have to work on the show.
homer!
too high in trans-fats.
hey baby, you want a ride?
close the door.
yeah, keep goin'!
we'll stay for one inning, then we can go.
homie, maybe you should stop. we've talked about the gray zone...
i told you you should've stopped the tickling.
you'll be fine, you always are.
i told them not to come.
homer.
okay, first i'll send down my shoes.
the school called and said bart is out of control. i think we may need some therapy for him.
sue me for what? my home in a hollowed-out tree?
kid scissors. lame.
i was invited to that party!
all will be forgiven... if, you sketch a portrait of patty showing her inner beauty.
homer, to restore the sisterical bond, you and marge are invited to spend the weekend with us at our house down the shore.
tell me, when will you be mine / tell me, quando quando quando / hey!
that's a goomar ring. this is a wife ring.
i hear this is the home of springfield's hottest hairdresser. i need a haircut -- and i need it in three, two, one, now!
you better not be brushing your hair again! you better be!
hey, i don't want a conversation.
i, uh, i can also make very annoying noises.
move over, lard lad statue. it's the eighth wonder of the springfield world! you've outdone yourself, homer! oh, yes, ladies. i've outdone myself. outdone myself... by not doing it at all! stop talkin' crazy talk.
dad, our lives!
keys to the duff brewery?! where'd you get those?!
dad, stop!
that's not a real arm -- it's plastic!
homer, could you stop throwin' balls over my fence?
if fairy tales have taught us one thing, it's that first wives are perfect, second wives are horrible.
we made sweet music in the band room, poetry during english class, and you don't wanna know what we did in the multi-purpose room.
i hope you're proud of yourself, homer.
homie, it was maggie.
hey, what's with that new security guard? he's acting all aloof. by the way, that's my word of the day: "he's."
it's big to you. would you like a "get well" pork chop?
excuse me, i need to use the...
mother, is that you?
i needed somewhere to lie low, and your town appears on no maps or charts.
this just in: a local man has been kidnapped by ukrainian gangsters. we've received the following video.
i won a silver medal in nagano!
do i hear fifty dollars?
i'm thinking of something big. so big it involves taking over the entire school and not giving it up till chalmers gets his job back!
he opened his eyes! mommm!
patty and selma?! who's next, ned flanders?
because of you i'm going to hell!
oh, simpson. you do know how to whip my buggy.
go ahead.
you're late.
homer, all nonsense aside, are you okalidokalaroony?
to our beloved roz... what the deuce? sarcastic clapping?
well, it means my perception of you is that you were kind of a goof, but now i see you're rather clever.
vip passes!
fun dad rocks!
goorsha! goorsha! goorsha! goorsha! goorsha!
sorry, dad -- this is our thing now.
of course.
yeah, you always do. well, here's where to meet us... 1501 w-- east oak street.
all right, breaking baddies, drop the meth! pick up the meth! pick up the meth!
gift shop!
sir, you're inside an allosaurus.
i like the beat -- play me the tune.
the refrigerator could have my magnets on it. i'm in.
and the protagonist always discovers that he is supernatural!
correction: finished manuscript.
look, we market-tested the book, and it really got dinged on the whole "trolls" thing. i mean dinged! so we made some changes. don't feel bad. before we got our hands on "twilight," it was about a girl who fell in love with a golem. but teenagers weren't going to spend their allowances to join team schmul.
no need to thank me, boys.
indeed. that homer simpson is the beating baboon heart of this party.
the higher they rise, the further they fall!
yeah, but work is over now. wanna drink with me till i fall asleep?
i guess.
i'm going to bed.
simpson! put on your charm-their-pants-off pants! the mumpish oafs in washington are sending their sternest band of nuclear regulators, handpicked to resist all blandishment.
it's about time. we've been making small talk about mussolini for fifteen minutes.
for god's sakes, homer! i've given you three children!
who's fatso flanagan?
would you play a bloated corpse on "csi?"
not me, man. this cycle of jerks has to end.
don't open it, homie! it's a virus!
why did you bring us here, homer?
cousin kathy invited us so our feelings wouldn't be hurt, and we're going so her feelings won't be hurt.
i need my books!
you should've thought of that before you drank the fluids you need to live!
i'm nash castor! coming up, we butt heads with ron paul, rand paul, paul ryan and mitt the wonder romney! but first, we're here with this guy my kid said was a thing: homer simpson.
homer, you're getting your own show.
so, what's this with the gravy boat?
now they're all excellent choices, so simply pick the white male candidate you prefer and we'll elect him.
i don't want gas station pizza!
silence! founding fathers! to me!
dad, no!
u.s. of a!
homie...
i have no friends.
there is no hippo!
rag soup!
somehow i missed that phase.
i know it's futile, but i must again point out there is no dragon.
not me.
simpsons, in accordance with article six, section two of the town charter...
rejected by society, huh? well, why didn't you say so? welcome to the off-the-grid, unincorporated settlement we proudly call "the outlands!"
ahhh, smell that unpolluted air! y'know, i'm glad we're in exile.
hold it right there! mr. burns! you might catch a cold out this late. you want my jacket? here, lemme warm my gun up for ya.
cancel their subscription to the opera!
get her off! get her off!
dad, i wanted to give you a heads-up. mom's birthday is tomorrow. it's time to start your annual mad dash around town to get her a present that's not completely insulting.
now see here. i have always considered you cash-giving cows to be my friends. and friends do not betray friends!
please don't say one again.
no way, man! i'm a free-range kid!
tag, we're it! springfield has been hit hard by a mysterious graffiti artist and his iconic calling-card, which we have dubbed "mr. fatso."
i wanna show you i understand how you feel. and they say a picture's worth a thousand words:
i still think that might've been a kid who worked at foot locker. hey, the supply room's open. i better close it.
isn't karma where if you do something bad, bad things happen to you?
a lot of work went into this thing.
we're wetting the bed?
welcome back, handsome.
that's jennifer aniston's hair on "friends."
and now you'd better run along, sweetheart.
oh yeah, you don't wanna go to the hospital at five o'clock on a friday.
and you and i were going to study the municipal voter's guide.
rum cake!
simpson, wait! as it turns out, there is one job available. but be forewarned, it promises naught but soul-crushing boredom.
friendship cannot exist between man and machine. but i can simulate interest in your statements.
automated workers are not able to leave the plant.
we will notify you if this game becomes meaningless.
we do vent nitrogen once a year. you do not want to be around for that.
with great difficulty!
homer, why have you reprogrammed me for this?
homer... can i call you homer?
dog-walk side-path...
yeah.
don't believe anything you were told by me in the past, because that was not me! but this is me now, but in less than a second i will be gone forever. i might be back!
this is the stupidest fight ever!
homer, for god sakes, i'm trying to put maggie to sleep!
well of course they don't.